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 Being
the astute person that I am, I am always looking for new frontiers and learning
experiences. For example, I am extremely interested in the study of stars and
planets. Now, I was confused for a number of years and thought I was interested
in Astrology, but found out later it was astronomy. Then, about the time I got
all of that straight, I discovered that I was trying to learn about cosmology
not cosmetology. Seems the latter has to do with hair styles and wrinkle
removal. Something I’m sure is of interest to lots of folks, but no to me at
this time. Anyway, one of the things I found interesting is how the government
can spend bundles of money about stuff that I find really dumb and not really
important. For example in some journal or another that I was reading the other
day, there was an article about a group of scientist types trying to slow down
the speed of light. Now, why you’d want to do this is beyond my comprehension,
but here they were high five-ing and clapping everyone on the back since they
had discovered some new method of stopping light. Or maybe it was slowing light
down or something. Whatever. Anyway, I could have saved them a bunch of money if
only they had called me. I’m in the book, after all. The first thing I would
have told them is that to stop the light completely, you just flip the switch to
the ‘down’ position. That’s right, that’ll do it every time. Shuts that
old light smooth off. No need for any more expensive studies. This method works
each and every time. I may want to patent this process, now that I think about
it. Now, for the second part of this experiment, they are trying to slow down
light. I suppose it was just going too fast for them. Anyway, here again I have
the solution. Shine that light through red or blue Jell-O. You’ll notice that
the light that comes out is much dimmer than the light that goes in. Therefore
it must be slowing down since it loses something in the travel through the
Jell-O. Of course, if you want to slow it down a lot, you can refer back to part
of my first theory and shine the light onto a steel plate of some kind. Now,
look at the other side very closely and see if any light is getting through. No?
Well, then you’ve completed the experiment successfully. This, my friends is a
great example of governmental waste. Here in the space of 300 or so words I have
laid out my plans on how to conduct these two important tests at practically no
cost to the taxpayers of America. Why can’t the government see this the same
way I do and realize that that money could be used for some other purpose like
studying the what sounds trees make with their bark? Just kidding, thought I’d
throw that in there to see if you were still alert. Stay up, there may be a test
on this material later. The second thing I found of interest in this same area
this week was the discovery of water inside of a meteorite in west Texas. Now as
goofy as the light passing through the steel plate is, don’t you wonder about
the newsworthiness of water inside a meteorite? It must have been a slow week
for the media types of the world. Now the article didn’t say where the water
was located, just that they found it. Well, hello, isn’t it possible that some
space rock had been laying there on the desert for a couple of hundred years or
so and it got rained upon and some water was still in some of those little
meteorite holes? Give me a break. Maybe a cow went by and had to go to the
bathroom or something. What can we expect next…headlines that scream out
something like…”Proof of life on other planets…urine found on
meteorite.”? Then they’ll probably analyze the stuff and make the deduction
that we have been wrong about how we have portrayed aliens all of these years.
They’ll start showing us that they look like jersey cows or long horns. Of
course, this may not be far off, since cows have lots of stomachs and can eat
just about anything. Reminds me to tell you that whenever my granddaughter and
her cousin come to visit I always put blue food coloring in my milk. Just drives
them nuts. I tell them that’s where we get blue cheese and that the cows eat
blue grass. They always end up tasting it and think I’m a little crazy. But
then they say that crazy runs a close second to genius. If you can think of any
more important experiments that I need to conduct you can reach me at www.pearyperry.com.
If You think I should be locked away for a number of years (yet to be
determined) you can send that entry into me @ Publishers Clearing House. Ed
McMahan is handling my mail for me over there.
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