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Letters From North America |
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As usual, you can always count on turning to this column and gathering some piece of useful information that may (or may not) come in handy at some future point in your life. For this week I have chosen to increase your knowledge of the Milky Way. The planets, stars and those things, not the one |
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that comes in a wrapper from the store and will melt if you leave it in your car too long. Come to think of it, if you are in your car too long and get too close to the sun, you’ll melt as well. But, anyway back to the lesson for this week. Scientists have recently determined that the last time the planet earth was in this exact position of our galactic orbit was 226 million years ago. In other words a long time. Almost as long as it takes for your tax refund check to arrive. Of course, they (the scientists, not the IRS) are quick to state that their figures are accurate to”within 6%” As if anyone of us could challenge them on this. I can just imagine some guy rushing into the National Laboratories for the Study of Space Between Objects or whatever it’s called and yelling out…”Say, I was looking at the instruments in my back yard that I made up from old radio parts and I found that you are actually off by 497,000 years.” Yeah, right. Where was I? Now, among other things this new study tells us that” The earth rotates on its axis at 1,000 miles an hour, a motion that creates day and night.” ” The Earth orbits the sun at 67,000 miles per hour (that’ll get you a ticket for speeding for sure) which creates a motion that takes one year.” ” The sun circles the Milky Way (the planets again, forget the candy) at 486,000 miles per hour. Every object in the universe is moving apart from the other objects as the universe expands at a constantly accelerating rate.” Now, I didn’t do the math on this so don’t hold me to this statement. These facts come from scientists and astronomers and math people who went to more than just junior high school to be able to study and understand this stuff for 30-40 years. It is fortunate for all of you out there in newspaper land that I, Peary Perry, have the unique ability to take these terribly complicated scientific conclusions and translate for you so you can see how these are affecting our daily lives. How so, you scoff? Well, for one, read back to the part where it says … and I quote…” Every object in the universe is moving apart from the other objects as the universe EXPANDS at a constantly accelerating rate.” This, dear reader, explains why you and I cannot lose weight. It is against the very laws of nature and psychics, or is that physics? One or the other, I get them confused. They both study the stars. Not those in Hollywood, the ones in the sky. Will you agree with me that you weighed less 30 years ago? Of course we did. But, without our knowledge, and until I told you, did you realize that pie isn’t just square, it’s also impossible to get rid of since “The Universe Is Expanding…” None of our clothes fit. Well, the reason is our bodies are expanding at a faster rate than our clothing. I think it has something to do with living objects as compared to not living objects. I’ll have to check on this and get back to you in 20 or 30 years after I’ve had a chance to examine my theory. That pretty well explains everything doesn’t it? Now look at another aspect of this important discovery, which I am about to point out to you. You lay your glasses down somewhere and then go back and look for them an hour or so later. They aren’t there are they? Of course not. The universe expanded in that hour and your glasses aren’t on the coffee table; where you left them, they are now in the kitchen. The Universe expanded again. Ever notice that when you pour something you sometimes miss the glass? Well, now you know why. The glass in your left hand expanded faster than the drink container in your right hand. This is serious stuff. You must keep reading these columns to stay up with this kind of information. Scientists are great for research and facts that are difficult to prove, if they are incorrect, but it takes me to be able to put them into plain simple language using every day examples. The final thought for today is simply this…Go and get that Milky Way bar and eat it. You can’t help it if the universe is expanding. Don’t take guilt, you weren’t the cause of this.