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Lt. Zork: to Command
Module 4528 /alpha.2
Subject: Status report-
Earth Project
Use translator code –
BR549 ver 6.7
TOP SECRET—-YOUR
LIPTOGS ONLY— |
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This may be my last report to you for some
time to come. As you know, I have been living here under the disguise of an
earthling politician. When the Supreme Council discussed this project with me
they decided that this identity role would work perfectly for our needs. I
would be free to travel to just about anyplace in the world at no expense to
our operational budget. As a government official I would have access to all
kinds of important information which would be useful in our decision
concerning the future invasion of the planet. I am proud to report that I have
been able to achieve the majority of our objectives. The earthling officials
are able to travel on what they call ‘junkets’.
I am a junket junky…little earth humor.
This process works in this manner. You want to go to a city in France called
Paris? Then you put in a request to study something called a museum. You list
your objective as that of being interested in observing how the people in
Paris operate their museums. Then, like magic, you are approved and you get to
spend 14 earth days in luxury while some secretary or aide goes and looks at
museums for you. It’s truly wonderful. The food, the wine, the, well….
Point is that we would never allow anything like this to happen on our planet.
Besides there isn’t any place to go that even looks like Paris. Not even the
1,000 moons of Zantbh.
One of the other unusual functions of a
congressperson is that of distributing out hog or pork barrel money. At first
I had this practice confused with something associated with a four-legged
earth animal commonly known as a pig or a hog. I thought the congress people
might be involved in some form of food processing. How surprised I was to find
that this is an earth term for giving away money for foolish projects to the
people that elected you to the congress in the first place. You’ll be
pleased to note that a proposal was made to continue the funding for the study
of UFO’s (unidentified flying objects) but I was successful in getting this
put off for several years in the future. We wouldn’t want any long-term
studies made into this, would we? Of course, in return I had to vote for the
continued study of the mating habits of the long extinct wooly mammoth. I
can’t figure how this study would possibly help anyone for any reason, but
then again I had to do what was necessary for the protection of our
plans.
This practice is known here on earth as
"scratching someone’s back." It’s used in the context of
…"you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours." I think it might
be comparable to our phrase…"When you dreek my phto, then I’ll dreek
all of yours as well." Having said all of this, let me assure you that
the life of a congressperson is not easy in any way, shape or form. There are
countless parties to attend, lots of things called banquets, and finally
dinners where you have to make verbal communications called speeches about how
well you are doing at your job and what an important person you are. It is
considered top form to take credit for any project or piece of legislation,
even if you had nothing to do with it at any time. You just want to be seen at
the signing of the document when it goes into law.
At this time there are always a lot of
photographers and reporters gathered around to hear you describe the battle
that you put up over this new law. In these pictures, everyone is always
expected to smile even though they generally hate each other. This is very
confusing to me, since we were trained to just slime anyone who we did not
like and turn them into a morphed verzion. Several times at these cocktail
parties I have met humans I could not stand and was sorely tempted to just
dissolve them in their shoes, but I was patient as I thought this would surely
give away my identity.
Well, enough about these strange practices.
I have to tell you that the reason I will not be in communication for some
period of time is because I have to ‘campaign’ for re-election. Unless I
get busy and persuade the voters in my district that I am a good
representative, then I might be defeated and lose this excellent opportunity
for the advancement of our mission. Please put in an emergency request for
about 1,000,000 Zirtions as I will need to convert this to American dollars to
start off my campaign.
No wait, that’s too much money. At this
time that would convert into about 5 trillion dollars. I don’t think anyone
in congress has that much, so hold off until I get the conversion ratios
translated. I’m just running for congress, not for the president, so I
don’t need to buy that many votes. When I do get the correct numbers, please
send the Zirtions quickly, as I can’t afford to lose. I still need to see
what the museums look like in someplace called Rome. Wazzs to all of your
xerfniks. Send out of the world mail to me at www.pearyperry.com.
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