From
time to time, I get these unsolicited letters from various readers out there in
the hinterland. I suppose they read all of my stuff and make the accurate
determination that I am really as wise as I seem to be. I thought it might be a
change of pace if shared some of these with you as well as my answers to them.
#1- Dear Mr. P- "I am 55 years old and
have no retirement. I work for a large financial institution where I am
surrounded by money. I know in my heart of hearts that it is only a matter of
time before I succumb to temptation and make off with a lot of cash. I have
asked a friend of mine and he said that the most time I could serve would be 2-3
years since I’ve never been arrested before. I can easily steal 5-10 million
without anyone noticing for at least 6 months. This means I could retire when I
go out of jail. I was thinking that maybe I could turn myself in for something I
didn’t do, something simple, you know. Then if I could get some weekend
sentencing or community service I could start building up some credits towards
the 2-3 years I have to serve for the big one. What do you think? " Signed
Marcia P. – Oliveloaf, Texas.
"Dear Marcia……Can you repeat
after me…You have the right to remain silent, you have the right…"
#2- Dear Mr. P- " I been married to
George (not his real name, his real name is Edgar) for over 35 years. The other
day I was cleaning out his golf bag and found several items that are disturbing
to me. In addition to several pieces of ladies underwear, I found several empty
whiskey bottles and some tickets from the racetrack. Am I just being silly for
being suspicious or is it possible that Herb hasn’t been playing golf 3 times
a week like he has told me for the past 15 years." signed Bothered in
Boise.
"Dear Bothered…. I wouldn’t be
too hasty in making a decision on this matter. It may be that George, Edgar or
Herb is just confused as to his real identity. Have you ever played golf with
him? I suspect not. He may be a different man on the last 9 holes. Offer to go
with him and caddy and then you’ll see what he is up to. "
#3- Dear Mr. P- "The other day I came
home and found my wife had cleaned out my golf bag. She hasn’t been the same
to me since that afternoon. I think she suspects that I’m not all she thinks I
am. I have a terrible problem in that I like to wear ladies clothing and go the
horse races instead of spending the afternoon out in the hot sun chasing a
little white ball around. I think all of this comes from the fact that I was
adopted, abandoned, deprived of having my own swimming pool as a child and
forced to watch reruns of ‘I Love Lucy’ until I was drafted. I later found
out that my Mother was really my Aunt, married to a second cousin by her first
marriage, after her first husband died under strange circumstances. One more
thing, I don’t drink the whisky; I just empty the bottle and pretend. Is there
anything wrong with me and should I seek professional help?" signed Busted
in Boise.
"Dear Busted…After having watched
several episodes of Jerry Springer, I don’t really see anything strange about
your behavior. In fact, if you use that program as a standard, you seem fairly
normal. I am concerned over your pretense concerning the whiskey. This could be
the beginning of some personality defect and I suggest that you seek counseling.
Or maybe ask your wife to go to the track with you."
#4- Dear Mr. P- "I am 21 years old and
about to graduate from college. I come from a wonderful family. My parents are
very normal and have always taken good care of me. I was never abused or have
been involved with illicit sex, alcohol or drugs as a child. Our family did an
excellent job of raising me. My problem is this; I have absolutely no ambition,
no conscience or desire to do the right thing towards my fellow man. I delight
in being deceitful, conniving and dishonest. I drink like a fish and have
absolutely no morals. I think the Golden Rule should be …’Do unto others
before they do unto you.’ I cannot figure out my behavior in respect to the
way I was brought up by my parents. It seems that now, I am the exact opposite
of everything my family is or has been. My question to you is do you think I
have a future in politics or as an attorney?" signed Confused in Corpus.
"Dear Confused…..generally I try
never to get into discussions about anyone and their career decisions. I do
believe that a person your age is usually too young to make a decision that may
affect you for years to come. However, in your case, if what you say is true,
then the world of politics and or the law profession would welcome you with open
arms. Keep those lofty goals in your mind. Do both, become an attorney then run
for office. You might be President someday."
Well, that’s all the time we have for this
week. Tune in next time when we’ll do open up the old mailbag and read some
new Letters To Mr. P. Send good things to me at
