Well, here’s the latest from jolly old England. Not that any of us really care, but it’s been a slow news week and not much is going on anywhere else. Clinton hasn’t managed to …. Stop that thought, and let’s go on to something else. We are in the limbo period in politics and so there’s very little to write about since everyone is doing the dance to determine who puts their foot in their mouth first and can’t get it out. So, that takes us to London in search of something that we can get a chuckle about. Tony Blair the Prime Minister has convinced the British Parliament that they need to do away with the House of Lords. As you know, this is an august body of folks who inherited their titles and probably most of their wealth. They have been around for hundreds of years. No, not these same people…well, maybe some of them. Anyway, these people get paid to sit in the British Parliament and weigh in on important topics such as death, dying and taxes when most of them have never worked a day in their lives. Nor, did their fathers or grandfathers. If I recall correctly, this was one of the reasons that George W. and his group took charge in 1774 and 1775 or thereabouts. But enough of this, let’s get on to the big news. The Queen had to fire one of her footmen due to some abuse of one of her dogs. First off, what the heck is a footman anyway? Have you ever met one or talked to one? Neither have I. What does a footman do? Is this the guy that hops out of the carriage and lowers that little step so they people inside don’t fall on their face when they exit from the coach? Or is the guy that rides on the back of the carriage when they are going somewhere? Maybe they are the same person. We all know that the man in front is the driver and the other guy is the one that always carries the shotgun. Well, maybe they don’t have anyone like this in England, but they probably should. How many footmen do you need anyway? Do footmen get days off? I’ll bet you have to have 15-20 full time people to fill out your footman positions. I keep trying to figure out where I could use them in my house. You know how in the old movies there is a guard standing in the halls every 25 or so feet? Well, are these called guards? Or are these doormen? Is a doorman higher in rank than a footman is? I’ve always wondered how the doormen knew when to open the door. You know in all of those movies as the King approaches the door the doormen on the other side just open it as if by magic? Do they have a little peephole in the door so they can spy on the King and know when he’s coming out? They should if they don’t, it’s save a lot of embarrassment, since the King could be standing in there waiting while some dolt with bad hearing is still sitting
on his chair waiting for someone to cough or clap their hands to tell him to open the door. Maybe that’s how the doorbell got invented, I’ll have to look into this. Maybe the footman could be put to use standing out in the hall when he wasn’t footing or whatever you call it. It’d save some money wouldn’t it? The Crown needs to save a few bucks anyway from what I hear. After all, Queen Elizabeth doesn’t actually earn any money does she? I don’t think she’s ever had what I’d call a real job. Oh yes, I’m sure shaking hands and smiling and cutting ribbons is tiring, but she does get some nice benefits, doesn’t she? Looks like a nice house she lives in and I hear she has a full time cook. But anyway, back to the plight of the footman. So, here is some poor hapless chap (see, you start writing about English people and you just naturally revert to using words like ‘chap’) who has been hired as a footman, trained as a footman, is a card carrying union footman and the Queen gives him some additional duties concerning one of her dogs. He probably had to take it for a walk or something. Now, for you and I this isn’t any big deal, but if you live on 75 acres, then it’s probably ½ mile out to the yard to let Rover tinkle. The paper didn’t say how old this chap was (there it is again) but if he wasn’t real spry, then walking the dog could get rather tiring, I would think. Maybe we don’t have the whole story. Suppose old Queeny decides that she doesn’t need a separate person for all of these functions, so she puts an ad in the paper for a “footman”. Some innocent fellow answers the ad thinking he’s applying for just that job…a footman. Once he get hired, he finds that he has to ride on the back of the carriage, yank the stool out every time she wants to get in or out of the carriage, stand in the hallway from time to time and guard the place. Then he might have to open the doors (those things are big) whenever he wasn’t guarding or footing, and then to top it off the Queen wants him to take poochy out for a run or a stroll in the park. Maybe that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’d had it with this deal and kicked the Corgie or whatever they are. Someone needs to get in touch with him and get his side of the story. In fact I’ll bet they are working on a book and a movie deal even as we speak. Strange world we live in, right? Send you cards and letters to me…..at www.pearyperry.com. Send your complaints to Santa Claus…..
Well, here’s the latest from jolly old England. Not that any of us really care, but it’s been a slow news week and not much is going on anywhere else. Clinton hasn’t managed to …. Stop that thought, and let’s go on to something else. We are in the limbo period in politics and so there’s very little to write about since everyone is doing the dance to determine who puts their foot in their mouth first and can’t get it out. So, that takes us to London in search of something that we can get a chuckle about. Tony Blair the Prime Minister has convinced the British Parliament that they need to do away with the House of Lords. As you know, this is an august body of folks who inherited their titles and probably most of their wealth. They have been around for hundreds of years. No, not these same people…well, maybe some of them. Anyway, these people get paid to sit in the British Parliament and weigh in on important topics such as death, dying and taxes when most of them have never worked a day in their lives. Nor, did their fathers or grandfathers. If I recall correctly, this was one of the reasons that George W. and his group took charge in 1774 and 1775 or thereabouts. But enough of this, let’s get on to the big news. The Queen had to fire one of her footmen due to some abuse of one of her dogs. First off, what the heck is a footman anyway? Have you ever met one or talked to one? Neither have I. What does a footman do? Is this the guy that hops out of the carriage and lowers that little step so they people inside don’t fall on their face when they exit from the coach? Or is the guy that rides on the back of the carriage when they are going somewhere? Maybe they are the same person. We all know that the man in front is the driver and the other guy is the one that always carries the shotgun. Well, maybe they don’t have anyone like this in England, but they probably should. How many footmen do you need anyway? Do footmen get days off? I’ll bet you have to have 15-20 full time people to fill out your footman positions. I keep trying to figure out where I could use them in my house. You know how in the old movies there is a guard standing in the halls every 25 or so feet? Well, are these called guards? Or are these doormen? Is a doorman higher in rank than a footman is? I’ve always wondered how the doormen knew when to open the door. You know in all of those movies as the King approaches the door the doormen on the other side just open it as if by magic? Do they have a little peephole in the door so they can spy on the King and know when he’s coming out? They should if they don’t, it’s save a lot of embarrassment, since the King could be standing in there waiting while some dolt with bad hearing is still sitting
and then to top it off the Queen wants him to take poochy out for a run or a stroll in the park. Maybe that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’d had it with this deal and kicked the Corgie or whatever they are. Someone needs to get in touch with him and get his side of the story. In fact I’ll bet they are working on a book and a movie deal even as we speak. Strange world we live in, right? Send you cards and letters to me…..at www.pearyperry.com. Send your complaints to Santa Claus…..