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 Maybe I told you, I forget what I have said from time to time because I’m so tired, but anyway we got some new workout stuff here at the house. The little woman decided we would go on this new diet where we eat mainly pressed cardboard and some kind of green grass and then exercise a lot. A whole lot. This week I’m too tired to think and thank God, some kind person sent the following to me and I can use it to fill this space without much brain energy. So here goes:
My Exercise Diary:
For my birthday this year, my wife purchased me a week of private lessons from a health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the Varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics, instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very please with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested that I keep an “exercise diary ” to chart my progress.
Day 1– Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit added about 10 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2– took a whole pot of coffee to get me out of the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill; I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel
GREAT.
Day 3- the only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the Stair Monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me that regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Day 4– Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was a half-hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5– I hate Tanya more than any other human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there were any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it was a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I’ve got news for you Tanya…. I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in your floor, don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, You are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher or Social studies?
Day 6– Got Tayna’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched 11 straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7- Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness, that’s all over.. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a ROOT CANAL.
That’s about how I feel. Don’t send me any mail, I’m too tired to open it and read it.
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