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Letters From North America
by Peary Perry

 My wife is currently in the market for a ‘Elmer Fudd’ hat. If you know where she can get one, please advise. Elmer, as you recall was always looking for “That wascally wabbit” or something to that effect. He was always getting defeated by Bugs. Come to think of so was Wiley E. Coyote when he went up against the Roadrunner. Well, even though those are cartoon characters I can certainly relate to their trials and tribulations. I have spent a small fortune trying to get my yard in shape this year. Hauled in tons and tons of dirt…spread grass seed, installed a sprinkler system and sat back on the porch and watched the grass grow. Then about a month ago…disaster strikes. I wake up one morning, stroll out to get the paper and my yard looks like a minefield. Small holes every 2 or 3 feet about 5 inches deep. I really didn’t think too much about it and got the shovel and filled them in and forgot about it. Next day, same thing over in another part of the yard. Then I start to suspect something is happening. My neighbor tells me that it’s Armadillos hunting for grubs. Two weeks go by and now I’m mad. I call the county extension agent and she tells me…..”Oh, you must have a nice yard, since the weather has been so dry; they (the armadillos) have to find new wet yards for food. It should be alright in a few months or after we get a lot of rain.” Few months? At this rate, I won’t have anything left in a few months. She tells me you can’t trap them since they’re too dumb to go into a trap (maybe too smart?) but you can shoot them as a last resort. Well, I decide that the trap is the answer. So, I go to the local Rent-A-Tool and get a trap. One of those catch and release deals that won’t hurt whatever gets inside, just allows you to drive it off somewhere and relocate it to another area. Pretty simple, right? Well, no…at least no so far. As of today, I’ve caught 4 raccoons and 3 possums and 2 very unhappy cats. No armadillos. The raccoons have gotten to be the biggest problem because they’re so smart. At first I just threw the bait (bread and a piece of lunchmeat) in the back of the trap. That works for the possums, but not the raccoons. They figured it out after the first or second one got trapped. Then they would just reach in from the back of the trap and pull the bait out bit by bit. Well, no animal is going to fool me, so I hang the bait in a small plastic sack inside the trap. That night, they pull the bag and the string and the bait out and take it to God knows where. Ok…this is getting serious. The next night, I suspend the bait bag down inside the trap with a piece of wire. Let’s see them grab that and run. This time they pull the wire and the bag over to the side and steal the bag with the food. I am beginning to lose my patience. I go to the store and buy a small wire basket that’s deep enough so that they can’t stick their little paws down inside and pull up the food. Ah, success, I catch one the next morning. Drive him/her down to the end of the subdivision and let it out. Funny thing about catch and release. The possums kind of stroll out of the cage and walk slowly off looking back as if to
say.” I’m cool, this didn’t bother me.” The raccoons are hell bent for leather and fairly jump out at about 50 miles an hour trying to get away. Never looking back. I suspect they’re hiding in bushes until they can muster enough forces to jump me. Anyway, back to my plan. Next night I put the bait in the wire basket and arm the trap, knowing that my human brain has won over some field animal. Next morning, we have a neighbor’s cat. I think the raccoons have put the cat up to going inside and bring out the bait. Seems to me they’re smarter than I gave them credit for. The cat runs off and probably won’t come back over to our house again. Just as well. Anyway, I set everything up again and the next day what do I find? The trap has been turned over, the bait basket is upside down and the food is gone and no animals inside. Raccoons 1, me 0. My wife, who has been watching this with suppressed laughter, tells me to put a big rock or something on top of the trap so they can’t turn it over. I refuse to do this because that would imply to me that an animal is outsmarting me. It would lower the standing of all mankind if I can’t do this my way. Tonight, I plan on wiring the trap to a tree so it can’t be turned over and then putting the bait inside, so we’ll see tomorrow who’s the smartest in our jungle. Oh, yes the armadillo. Well, I got up really early one morning and saw him out digging the holes. So, I got the old 12 gauge out and shot him with a load of #9’s. He/she ran off into the woods and I haven’t seen him or her again. My neighbor says that #9’s are too light of a load to hurt one because of their armor. So, I don’t know if I wounded him/her, scarred him/her or if he/she is out there somewhere laughing at me along with the rest of the forest animals. My yard? Well, we got some rain the morning I shot at the armadillo, so I don’t know if that helped out or not. I do know that where the load of 12 gauge hit the yard, I have a big circular pattern that killed the grass and made the place look a lot worse than it was to begin with. I’m not giving up. I will prevail; maybe Acme Dynamite would help. If you have any suggestions tell me at www.pearyperry.com. If you don’t or just want to harass me, go away, the animals are already giving me a lot of grief. 

For questions or comments, please contact me at pperry@austin.rr.com