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 Someone
once said…"Honesty is the best policy." I have to agree, so I’m
taking this time to confess. I am an addict. No, not a computer addict, or some
narcotic addict, nicotine addict or even addicted to alcohol. I am a
carbohydrate addict. I didn’t even know there was such a thing until I started
this new diet the other day. I can eat meat, green vegetables, fish, chicken and
the like, but no bread, potatoes, sugar or flour. Now at first glance, you’d
think to yourself….."Well, that’s not so bad, I can do this." Well
you try it; it’s not natural. I compare it to having knee or finger surgery.
You just don’t realize how much you use your finger or bend your knee in any
one given 24-hour day until you can’t. Then it seems as though you do so every
10 minutes or so. Same thing with carbohydrates. I didn’t realize how bad
I’m hooked until I started this program. Bread is everywhere. Sugar is
everywhere. How can I be expected to exist without French fries or chips and
salsa? Oh, yes, I forgot I could eat all of the salsa I want, but no chips. Who
eats salsa by itself? Maybe armadillos or something, not humans. Anyway, here I
am going through withdrawal at this time. I seem to see pictures of all of the
forbidden fruit everywhere I go. Billboards around town scream at me with their
pictures of Mexican food or ads for the very things I cannot under penalty of
death consume. You look at television and nearly every other advertisement is
for some form of carbohydrate. Fast foods shops are on every corner with carbs
just waiting for me to eat. You can’t even go into the service station for
gasoline without racks of peanuts staring you in the face. In those old war
movies, they used to torture the troops by not giving them water. I’m here to
tell you that I hope I’m never put in that position, since I feel that I could
only last a week or so. If they came to me in my cell with a load of tacos,
I’d tell them where all of the secrets were hidden. Call me an informant, call
me a snitch, call me anything, but don’t call me late for dinner. When friends
ask me if I want some cake or pie. I reply .."Of course, I want cake and
pie, but can I have any…NOOOOOO!!!!" I fear that I am becoming somewhat
antisocial and this may be reason I haven’t been asked out to lunch or dinner
in a few weeks. Nothing can be worse than a junkie trying to break a habit. Food
junkies are the worse. You find yourself staring at people in cafes and
restaurants that are actually putting good tasting things in their mouths. You
smugly sit there eating such wonderful items as Kale and Rhubarb, knowing that
by doing so you will probably live at least 30 minutes longer than that nasty
pie eating person in the booth over there. You have to restrain yourself from
going over to him and shouting…"Don’t you KNOW that pie is a
killer?" You don’t really care if he lives or dies, you just really want
him to be as miserable as you are at this time. You find it hard to believe that
this jerk isn’t tempting you on purpose by actually waving a tortilla chip
loaded with bean dip right in front of you. You have this urge to just jump over
the table and do one of two things. Either smash all of the chips into tiny
little pieces or snatch them and run for the car before he has a chance to
react. How can those guys eat that stuff and still look healthy and in decent
shape? My only explanation is that they must have sold their very souls to the
devil in exchange for slender fat free bodies. Boy will they be surprised at how
long eternity is going to be for them. Every where I go I am constantly
bombarded by forbidden foods. I halfway expect some joker in a trench coat to
slide up next to me and offer me some potato chips. "Here, just take a few,
they won’t hurt you…in fact I’ll give you a bag for free…." Trust
me, I have to run, not walk away from this. I know my limits. I’m surprised we
don’t have carbohydrate centers around the country to help addicts like
myself. You know like those methadone clinics for drug users? We’d get
certified as fast food junkies and have to go in and get some State supplied
chips or pie and cake. Yeah, that’s it, then you wouldn’t have to just go
cold turkey and drop off entirely at one time. You could just kind of wean
yourself off over a period of time. In fact that’s probably better for you
that just shocking your system with zero carbohydrates at one time. You can hurt
yourself if you just quit something that you’ve been doing for years and
years. Maybe just one small bag of chips. No, I can’t do it. I am bigger than
this problem. I think that sums up the problem, very well. I’m bigger than the
problem. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, if you want to thank me for
all of the wonderful humanitarian things I do and say, then go to www.pearyperry.com.
If you don’t think I’m a very nice guy, then go eat some more pie. See if I
care.
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