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 Now,
I like to think of myself as a somewhat mild mannered and reasonable person. I
think I have a fair amount of patience and that I can tolerate most things
fairly well. However there are times when my B-B gets pressed almost to the
limit and I just about lose it. Today’s beginning stress problem has to do with
breakfast. My day starts off early, and I usually stop at the same place and eat
breakfast while I read the paper to see if I’ve died or someone else I know has.
You know you’re getting older when you go to more funerals than weddings. I was
happy to drive 400 miles this weekend to get a chance to go to another wedding,
makes me feel I’m not as old as I actually am. Anyway, so here I am in my
favorite booth, with my paper in hand and what happens? Nothing. Absolutely
nothing. No coffee, no water, no menu, no waiter or waitress. I begin to wonder
if maybe all of these folks are in the obituary in today’s paper. I begin to
think that I need to just be calm and something will happen in a few minutes.
Part of my brain says this. Another part says…"Get up and leave right
now, this isn’t going to work, something is wrong in here today." But since
I figure I should not be so hasty, I just sit back and cool it. Sure enough in
about another 5 minutes some new waitress comes out and asks me…"Did you
want to eat?’ I’m tempted to reply…"No, I was just out looking for a new
lawnmower and thought I’d look in here and see if you had any for sale." Of
course I want to eat. What else would you do in a restaurant? I order the usual,
water, coffee, with cream, 2 eggs over medium, bacon, no fruit and no potatoes
and 1 slice of dry toast. Time passes. Another person comes by and asks if I
have been waited on. Here again I’m tempted to tell him that."No I’m the
one doing the waiting…" But, I don’t and just smile and nod yes, like I’m
a happy camper, which I’m not. The waitress arrives with a cup of coffee. No
cream, and no water. I ask her for these and she looks at me like a deer caught
in the headlights of my car. Off she goes, never to return. I do not see this
person again before I leave. Time passes. Some new guy in a shirt and tie comes
over and brings me an order. Two eggs, bacon, potatoes, fruit and no toast. I
explain what I wanted when I ordered. He leaves. Time passes. Eggs are getting
cold. So I eat these and the bacon. I skip the fruit and the potatoes. Some new
person, I think this is the 4th employee I’ve had over to this table, comes by
and wants to refill my coffee. I ask about the cream and the toast. This person
sits the coffeepot down on the table, rushes off and is never seen again either.
I’m beginning to wonder if the kitchen might be the beginning of a black hole
and all human life is being swallowed up if you get too close. Meanwhile eggs
are gone, bacon is gone. Potatoes and fruit are beginning to look good to me.
Just as I’m about to give in to temptation, the guy in the tie comes back with
the toast. Not one slice, dry but two slices dripping in butter. Still no water.
He leaves. This could be a skit for a play or something. Its beginning to take
on a life of it’s own. I notice the guy in the tie is beginning to look haggard
and it’s only 7 in the morning. What do you suppose he’ll look like around 6 PM?
Another waitress (is this 4 or 5?) comes by and picks up the coffeepot, I ask
for water. She looks at me like she doesn’t know what water is. Maybe that’s the
problem, I am thinking, maybe I’ve fallen into some kind of time warp and I’m
not really here on Earth anymore. Maybe I’m on some other planet named Zorg and
it’s in a parallel universe. Maybe I can ask the lady for a cup of Grabbazip and
she’ll know what I mean. It can’t hurt can it? About the time I decide to ask
for this, the tie guy brings me my water, so I postpone the parallel universe
theory for the time being. I think it’s time to leave so I start to wave at
anyone that looks like an employee. I’m not certain who is my waiter or waitress
at this time since nearly everyone that works in this place except the cook (at
least I don’t think the cook came by) has stopped at my table this morning. All
of these people seem busy but they don’t seem to be getting anything done. I
hear grumbling and sounds of discord coming from the other tables. This makes me
feel somewhat better as I can sense that it isn’t just me that seems to be
getting less than decent service. It’s everyone who happens to be in the place
at this time. The guy with the tie brings the check. His eyes are bloodshot and
he has a somewhat crazed look on his face. His tie is slightly askew and his
shirt is partially untucked. I decide not to press my luck and ask for the cream
for the coffee. This guy could go postal on me and cause me serious bodily harm.
I get up, leave money on the table. I even leave a tip. I walk slowly out of the
place and make myself a mental note that I should follow my intuitions and save
myself a lot of grief. Breakfast just isn’t this important. Next time I’ll just
eat some cereal.
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