Letters from North America
by Peary Perry
I
suppose at one time or
another, every married
man wonders what it
would be like to be
single once more. I
think this is normal and
natural to try and guess
what our lives would be
like if we were once
again left to our own
devices and were free to
live as we pleased.
This past week, my wife,
being the kind of good
woman she is, left me
for several days to go
help with one of our
sick granddaughters.
I am on my own. Free to
be me, free to do what I
like, when I like for as
long as I like…until
she gets home.
The first night I went
to a movie by myself and
saw the remake of
‘Becket’ which had
originally been released
in 1964. It hadn’t
changed since it was
first released.
I am bored to tears with
television and the
papers. If I hear the
name ‘Anna Nicole Smith’
once again, I think I
will scream and run out
of the house and down
the street. Naked….well,
maybe not.
After a couple of days,
I notice the following
traits start to show up
around our house.
I leave the toilet seats
in the up position. In
every bathroom.
I tend to use and reuse
the dishes in the
dishwasher, never
unloading them, just
using the ones inside
and then rewashing them
over and over. If I did
this for any length of
time, I would imagine
all of the patterns
would be worn off in a
short period of time.
I use the same towels
and washcloths several
times before putting
them on top of the
washer. I do not wash
clothes each and every
day. If the soap in the
shower falls to the
floor, I let it stay
there….it isn’t going
anywhere.
I don’t double bag the
trash and I wait until
the bag is full to the
top before I take it out
to the garbage can. No
sense in making too many
unnecessary trips.
I eat leftovers, making
a meal out of such
diverse delicacies as
frozen waffles, pork and
beans and some not too
old lunchmeat. I tend to
use more medicine for my
growing acid reflux. I
can’t think of any
reason for the increase
in my heartburn.
I cook a lot. I try
recipes which I have
hidden away in various
nooks and crannies which
I have wanted to try for
years, but know they
require every pot in the
kitchen to prepare. I
throw away a lot of bad
recipes that did not
turn out the way I
thought they should. Do
not try a recipe for
pickled eggplant….you
won’t like it. The
refrigerator is full of
complete dinners. They
will probably spoil
before they get eaten.
I don’t throw away the
coat hangers that are
building up in my
closet. Mainly because
the trash bags are full
and I don’t want to
carry the full one out
until I absolutely have
to do so and then start
over.
I do not answer the
phone, or return calls
to anyone who leaves a
message, if they want to
talk to me, they can
come by the house. I am
incommunicado. I wish to
be left alone.
I sulk in the den, with
the television off, and
wonder why no one has
called to check on me,
not that I would answer
if they did, but they
haven’t, which hurts my
feeling and inspires me
to go cook something
else.
I sleep in the middle,
not on one side of the
bed with both dogs. One
on each side. I feel
like a dogwich.
Both dogs snore and
chase rabbits in their
dreams….I can’t sleep
but won’t put the dogs
downstairs since I am a
grown man and can do as
I please.
Once she calls and tells
me she is on the way
home, I get my tail in
high gear.
Take out the trash,
including the coat
hangers.
Clean out the
dishwasher.
Wash and dry the piled
up laundry.
Make up the bed.
Throw away some of the
oldest leftovers.
Put the toilet seats
down.
Open the windows and get
some air in here, what
makes that smell anyway?
Thank God, she is on the
way home. I couldn’t
stand to live with
myself if I had to do it
for any length of time.
It is not good for man
to live alone. I read
that somewhere. Left on
my own for any extended
period of time, I think
I would revert back to
caveman status.
Wives keep us from that
fate.
Oh, yes and I picked up
the soap off the floor
in the shower.
