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Presidential Canidates
"Crime
does not pay … as well as politics."
By Alfred E. Newman
Seems to me that Alfred E. Newman was that weird little guy
from the old Mad Magazine comic books. Even though he is a
fictional character, he sure got it right this time. Here we
are at the beginning of the national political season once
again. As Americans we can eagerly look forward to another
round of vigorous mud slinging, back stabbing, lying,
cheating and scandal as the two candidates get under way
once again in their pursuit to lead this country. We’ll
probably get all of the aforementioned within the first
sixty days or so, leaving us another seven months to mull
over which candidate is the most convincing in their efforts
to sway the undecided voters in our nation.
Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s the Republicans or the
Democrats who will decide who will lead us for the next four
years because it isn’t. The Democrats will exercise their
votes for their candidate no matter what. The Republicans
likewise. Those who voted for Bill Clinton and then Al Gore
aren’t any more likely to vote for George W. Bush than a man
in the moon.
Likewise the die-hard Bush camp won’t vote for John Kerry
under any circumstances.
No, the deciding vote in this election will be those who are
currently undecided. Those are the votes that will make the
difference. Those are the voters the advertisements each
party will be courting for the next nine; count ’em, nine
months until November gets here.
So, just sit tight and get yourself prepared to see nothing
but political posturing along with family pictures with lots
of dogs and ‘the little people’. Then you’ll see long shots
of various candidates looking as if in deep concentration
over some worldwide dilemma in which their decision might
just mean the end of human existence, as we know it. In
addition we have to survive the debates and the interviews
with all of the networks talking heads. Now, some of these I
find amusing since they ask questions, which are impossible
to answer or for any normal person to be prepared to handle.
These are along the lines of:
Interviewer (I): "So, if you’re elected President how
would you handle the effects of an oncoming collision with
an asteroid the size of Rhode Island?"
Potential contender (PC): "I’m glad you asked that
question, Chet…I’ve prepared a study (unrolls a large chart)
showing what we should do under my leadership once I’m
elected."
I: "Your chart is blank…."
PC: (Looking astonished) "Well, so it is Roger,
that’s because my Blue Ribbon Select Asteroid Emergency
committee is developing an exit strategy for Rhode Island as
we speak, something my worthy opponent hasn’t even started
to think about. We’ll unveil our twenty five point plan in
December."
I: "But, that’s a month after the election."
PC: "Of course, it is…. Mike; you can’t expect us to
announce this daring new and innovative idea BEFORE the
election can you? Our worthy, but slimy opponent might steal
it and try to use it for themselves.
I: "Moving on, can you share with us your vision for
improving the economy in this country?"
PC: "I’m so glad you asked that question, Dan, which
is one very intelligent question that deserves an answer."
Time passes. Nothing but silence from the continually
smiling, pointing and waving candidate.
I: "I’m sorry but I didn’t hear your answer."
PC: "Well, Tom, without telling you too much of our
plans ahead of time, I will say to you that when I am
elected we will be able to add another 400 million new jobs
to our current economy. This should bring us back to full
prosperity and make us the envy of the free world."
I: "That’s a very ambitious plan, but we only have a
current population of about 285 million people in the entire
country, where would you get all of the people to fill those
jobs?"
PC: "Well, Peter…that’s a secret you and the rest of
the country will just have to wait to hear about…but I will
tell you this, consider what would happen if we annexed both
India and China. All of those jobs would be ours once again.
This is a bold new vision for America."
I: "Yes, well, I suppose we’ll just have to wait to
see how all of that shakes out…. One final thing, sir do you
plan on debating your opponent?"
PC: "I’m so glad you asked that… Andy, we have asked
the other side for a debate to be held each and every night
before the election, but so far they have not responded to
our challenge. It just goes to show you they are yellow
liver lilied cowards of the first order and cannot or will
not respect the will of the American people."
So there you have it folks, some nine months from now, it
will all be over. The same time it takes for a baby to be
conceived and born.
There’s a thought….
Be good to yourselves
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