“Press
one for
English,
press
two for
Spanish”
“If you
know
your
parties
extension
you may
dial it
at any
time.”
“If you
don’t
know
your
parties
extension,
then you
must
suffer
through
the rest
of this
call.”
“Please
listen
closely
as our
menu
options
have
changed.”
“Press
one if
you
desire
new
service.”
“Press
two if
you are
an
existing
customer
and wish
to ask a
question
about
your
bill.”
“Press
three if
you are
an
existing
customer
and are
having
technical
issues”
“Press
four if
you wish
to
schedule
an
appointment.”
“Press
five if
you wish
to us to
deliver
an Yak
to your
house.”
“Press
six if
you
would
like to
hear our
options
again.”
“ Sorry
pressing
the ‘o’
button
will not
get you
a live
operator
as we do
not have
any.”
“Please
call
again,
we look
forward
to
serving
you,
goodbye.”
Even if
you do
get into
some
extension
this is
what you
are
likely
to hear:
“Our
representatives
are busy
helping
other
customers
like
yourself.
Our
calls
are
answered
in the
order in
which
they
were
received.
Your
approximate
call
waiting
time is
….46
minutes,
please
hold.”
Don’t
live
humans
work at
these
places
any
longer?
I don’t
know
about
you
people
but if
the so
called
‘information
age’ was
designed
to make
things
speed up
and be
more
efficient,
then I
must
have
missed
the
train
when it
was
leaving
the
station.
Several
weeks
ago, I
called
one of
the
credit
card
companies
for one
reason
or
another
and
within
one
minute I
was
talking
to a
real
live
American
person.
I was so
impressed
I told
her I
would
never
stop
using
that
card
again
for that
very
reason.
I hate
pushing
button
after
button
after
button
in order
to get
some
issue
resolved.
Think
about
all of
the
money
these
major
corporations
save
just by
having a
small
customer
service
department
to
handle
these
incoming
calls.
Most of
the time
everyone
I know
just
gets
discouraged
and
hangs up
without
talking
to
anyone.
This
certainly
is one
way of
getting
rid of
customer
complaints.
No
complaints?
Everything
must be
good.
In the
old days
(maybe
ten
years
ago) you
called
and
spoke to
a person
called a
‘receptionist’
who
heard
your
voice
and said
something
such as
“Good
morning,
may I
help
you?”
Then you
would
ask to
speak to
someone
in the
service
department
or
whatever.
Then she
would
say
something
very
nice
like…
“Certainly
sir, if
you’ll
hold on
just a
moment
I’ll get
Mr.
Baxter
on the
line for
you.”
Ah, but
I can
only
hope for
the
return
of the
good old
days
when
this was
possible.
Somehow
I don’t
think it
will
ever
return.
What
irks me
even
more are
the
robot
answering
machines.
“If you
would
like to
hear
about
our
specials…say
the word
special”.
“I’m
sorry I
didn’t
get
that…
did you
say the
word
Tanganyika?”
“Let’s
try
again….if
you’d
like to
hear our
business
hours…says
the
word…hours.”
“I’m
sorry I
didn’t
understand
you, did
you say
the word
proletariat?”
“I’m
sorry I
can’t
understand
you,
please
call
again
when you
are
sober.
Thank
you,
goodbye.”
Then you
start
all over
again.
How
about
the
offices
that
have a
list of
personnel
that you
must
listen
to in
order to
get the
extension
of the
person
you are
calling?
“For a
list of
company
personnel,
please
press
the
pound
key.”
Naturally
the
person
you want
to speak
with is
named
something
like
Harry
Ziggerwitz,
so you
must
wade
through
all of
the
other
seventy-five
employees
before
you
reach
old
Harry,
who has
left for
the day
and now
you
hear:
“Hi,
this is
Harry
Ziggerwitz,
I’m not
available
to take
this
call at
this
time,
please
leave me
a
detailed
message
along
with
your
name,
phone
number,
date of
birth,
time you
called,
type of
car you
drive,
your
mothers
maiden
name,
what
television
programs
you
watch
most
often
and if
you like
or
dislike
toll
roads.
I’ll
call you
when I
return
which
may not
be for
several
weeks.
If you
need
something
important,
please
redial
and ask
for my
assistant’s
extension
from the
company
directory.
Her name
is
Shelia
Zumwald.”
Makes
you want
to live
in a
cave and
use a
rotary
phone.
In fact
rotary
callers
get
better
service
don’t
they?
“If
you’re a
rotary
caller,
please
hang on
the line
and a
customer
service
representative
will be
with you
in a
moment.”
Think
I’ll try
this
from now
on…I’ll
report
back to
you on
how
effective
it is.
