I
can remember a time
in my life, many
years ago when I
actually wished for
more mail. As a kid
I had a subscription
to several comic
books and was really
excited when the
latest issue
arrived. I bet they
don’t even have mail
subscriptions any
longer. If I
received a letter
from my Grandmother
I was always
thankful for her
letter as well as
the money she
enclosed. Mostly the
money.
But as we get older
I find that going to
the mailbox just
doesn’t seem to be
as much fun as it
used to be. By the
time you sort
through all of the
catalogs and special
deals from people
and companies you’ve
never heard of, you
are left with a pile
of bills that you
didn’t want in the
first place.
From time to time I
manage to get
removed from most of
the junk mail
addresses, but
somehow they find me
again and start the
process all over.
There is one
particular bank that
sends me credit card
offers a couple of
times a week. I only
wish I had the money
they must spend on
postage. Trust
me….if they had
access to mailing
lists in the Middle
East, I’d be willing
to bet they could
get a letter to
Osama Bin Ladin in a
matter of days.
These people are
relentless.
What makes me wonder
is how do these
people make any
money? Most of the
medical junk mail I
get concerns so
called ‘miracle’
cures for everything
from dandruff to
cancer. Some of the
stuff is offered for
free. I’ve made the
mistake of
responding to some
of those and find
that doing so causes
your mail to
increase at an
alarming rate. On
any number of
occasions I’ve used
a different first
name just to see
what happens. I can
tell you what
happens; they sell
the name you give
them to other direct
mail companies. Thus
your mail will
increase. Count on
it.
The quality of junk
mail you receive can
also be altered by
using a different
prefix. For example,
if I write Dr. Perry
or General Perry on
the reply card, I
find the junk mail
increases for the
better. I get a lot
more offers to plush
resorts as well as
investment
opportunities. If I
call myself Rev.
Perry, the offers
seem to be somewhat
different.
On the other hand if
I respond and tell
them that my name is
Bubba Perry, then
the quality drops
off the chart and I
start getting
advertisements about
hunting and fishing
as well as offers on
new mobile homes.
Bubba Perry also
seems to attract a
larger number of
‘improve your
credit’
opportunities and
not as many
investment letters
as when I was Dr.
Perry.
I am at a loss to
explain this.
Bubba also gets
offers for new
wheels and rims for
his truck and
Reverend Perry gets
offers for Christian
book stores. Go
figure.
What I can’t figure
out is how ‘they’
know when you are
doing well
financially and when
you are struggling
to get by. Is there
some secret clearing
house in the country
where analysts sit
around and look at
our income and
spending habits just
so they will know
what kind of mail to
send to you?
I don’t even want to
know the answer to
that one. I suppose
if some folks have
the ability to see
you eating a ham
sandwich from a
satellite fifteen
thousand miles in
the sky, then I’d
bet there are people
who can track what
we spend our money
on and how much we
have left over. They
probably read these
articles as well
just to see what is
being said around
the country.
I hope this is true.
So, if you are
reading this and are
working on mailing
lists, let me bring
you up to date. I
have no money; I
cannot use any
investment tools for
a condo in Panama. I
don’t need to hide
my assets; I don’t
play golf so stop
sending me the
resort packages.
I also don’t need
more Irish lottery
tickets or notices
that some unknown
uncle in Nigeria has
left me eighteen
million in cash. You
can stop sending me
these ‘secret and
special’ investment
opportunities that
only go out to a
‘select’ few
fortunate people.
The general gets
these, but Bubba
doesn’t.
One strange thing I
have noticed is the
fact that the
general, the
reverend and Bubba
all get a Victoria’s
Secret catalog.
Makes you wonder
what their criteria
for list generation
is.
Maybe not.
