Letters from North America
by Peary Perry
Dear
Mayor Bloomberg:
I know I don’t live in
New York City, but I am
planning on moving up
there just as soon as I
can afford it. I was
reading about your new
program and I think it’s
just great. I would like
to apply now for my
benefits since I’m
certain you would also
want to extend these to
anyone even thinking
about moving to your
great city. I understand
that Seattle is thinking
about starting the same
program, so I’ll have to
be honest and tell you
that the first one who
starts sending me the
money each month is
going to get me and my
extended family. I just
need to ask a few
questions to make
certain I understand how
your new program is
going to work.
As I understand it, my
kids get $300 each for
doing well on any school
test. That is really
helpful since I am
bringing my four sons as
well as three others
that I am in the process
of adopting who belong
to my dearly departed
sister. I don’t think
that will pose any
problem do you? By the
way, can you define the
term ‘well’? Are the
papers going to be
graded on the old
outdated and unfair A-F
system or are you going
to grade on the curve…
taking into
consideration our boys
previous school
experiences and
abilities? I mean
several of those kids of
my sisters can hardly
read or write and
they’re in their teens.
The last schools they
attended just promoted
them because they were
too big to still be in
the fifth grade. Rufus
couldn’t fit in one of
those tiny desks any
longer. He was depressed
over it and had to take
pills for the next
several years. It
bothers me to see a boy
his size crying.
I notice that your
program gives me $150 a
month for holding down a
job; I suppose this
applies to my wife as
well, but does that also
hold true for any of my
boys who work part time
after school? It sure
would help if it did. By
the way, what kind of a
job does this have to
be? I mean, can we just
tell you we have a job,
or will we be forced to
actually prove it? Will
we have to do some
verifiable work in order
to keep those checks
rolling in on time? Your
plan to give us $200
every time we go to the
doctor or dentist
certainly will take the
strain off of us having
to pay those nasty old
co-payments. I have
asthma and my wife needs
adjustments to her back
several times a week, so
we go to the doctor at
least 10 times a month,
that’s another $2,000 a
month, right there. The
boys are pretty healthy,
so we’ll save you some
money there. I would
like to add that I don’t
know how long that will
last; they may not be
able to adjust to your
climate. One of the
boys, Homer has bad
teeth so you better be
on notice, he might have
to make a bunch of trips
once we arrive. You do
have plenty of money for
these programs don’t
you? I’d hate to move
Momma and the kids up
there and have you just
pull the rug out from
under us….how would we
get ever get back to
Texas?
I notice that you are
also paying $25 each
time we go to a parent
teacher conference,
well, to be honest, we
haven’t made too many of
those yet, but with
seven kids in school in
your program you can
count on us attending
each and every one. By
the way, is that $25 for
each of us or just one
parent and do we have to
stay for any certain
amount of time? Those
things can get really
boring, if you know what
I mean.
I also notice that you
are agreeable to paying
for any bus or subway
fares that any of us
might need. Might I
suggest that you look
into just biting the
bullet and swing for us
a car instead? I don’t
mean to complain but the
bus stops and the subway
station might just be
too inconvenient for us
and we might have to
walk to get to them.
Nothing fancy, maybe
some late model American
car, I’d hate for you to
be sending any money
overseas to those
foreigners.
Oh, yes before I forget
it…..just be thinking
about how they work the
housing in Seattle. You
might want to think
about this while you’re
at it. In Seattle they
are offering people a
free place to live as
long as you stay drunk.
They figure it only
costs about $11,000 a
year to pay for housing
for the homeless (me,
the wife and our kids)
and it costs over
$100,000 a year to put
us in jail or any other
facility to dry out. The
only requirement is that
you have to drink a lot.
I don’t now, but might
have too, if I want the
housing allowance. I
don’t know how the
little woman feels about
this, but I’ll ask.
Thanks for developing
your new plan. I salute
you and the city leaders
of Seattle as well. Your
forward thinking just
shows you that the
government can indeed
take care of us from the
cradle to the grave.
Makes me proud to be an
American.
I’ll be in touch and let
you know when I arrive.
Thanks.
Dear reader….the above
is no joke…both cities
are sincerely looking at
these programs…sad isn’t
it? Who pays for this
kind of nonsense? We do,
that’s who.
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