Dontask

Saturdays
at our house are usually reserved as a kind of ‘catch-up’
day. We generally go out for breakfast, do some shopping and
then cool it in the afternoon and relax. This past Saturday
started off nice enough. I’d started a fire, got myself a
fresh cup of coffee and was headed to my favorite couch to
catch up on some reading and a much needed nap.



Unfortunately, tragedy struck before I had a chance to turn
the first page or take my first sip.



My lovely wife of many, many years enters the room and asks
one of the ‘Harmful to marriage questions’ that men would do
anything to avoid. I call these questions this, since they
are a kind of a puzzle that cannot ever be solved. You’ve
heard one these questions used in courtrooms…it goes
something like…”Have you stopped beating your wife?” There
is no correct answer.



Well, she stands over me and asks…”What do you think of my
hair, is it too long, does it need to be colored and do you
think the way I wear it makes me look too old?”



Now, for the benefit of the men out there who haven’t read
this column over the years, let me say this. A question such
as this requires extreme diplomacy, tact and sensitivity
training to answer properly. Having said that, let me add…
give it up. You and I don’t have the ability to do this. If
you can, run…. try to escape, pretend your car is on fire,
pretend you see a stranger lurking in the flower beds,
pretend anything…but get out of the house and seek advice
from someone who may be able to assist you in your time of
need. Do not be foolish enough to assume that you can wing
this on your own. You would most likely be able to negotiate
a peace accord between the PLO and Israel easier than
bobbing and weaving some off the cuff answer to a question
such as this.



Once she had gotten the question out of her mouth, I
immediately attempted to use one of my diversionary tactics
I have suggested in the past. I clutched my chest and made
noises as if I was having a heart attack. I had forgotten
that this had been used unsuccessfully the last time and was
therefore useless this time as well. Further attempts at a
migraine headache failed as well. I rushed to the window in
the hopes of seeing an intruder, but alas no one was in
sight. I broke out in a cold sweat and decided to plead the
Fifth Amendment. After all, if a criminal can refuse to
speak, why can’t I?



Unfortunately this had a very negative effect upon the
entire situation as she took my attempts to refuse to answer
as an indication that indeed she did look old and needed to
do something to her hair. My attempts to change her mind
were futile and not well received for the remainder of the
afternoon. The room chilled down to the point where I needed
more logs on the fire. My political capital account had just
been bankrupted.



I would have been in the doghouse for the remainder of the
weekend had it not been for stroke of good luck. I soon gave
up trying to read and was in the den with her trying to
smile and make complimentary remarks to regain my previous
position. She was watching some old movie from the 40’s…she
gets up and goes to the kitchen to get some coffee and while
she’s gone what do you think happens? The female lead in the
movie says to the male lead…”What do you think of my hair?”
I immediately sit up straight and wait for his answer, which
I have to admit was brilliant. He says…”I like it the way it
is, but there are so many interesting possibilities. Why?
Were you thinking of changing it?”



Is this divine intervention or what? Here is my answer. I
carefully wait a couple of hours and slyly tell her that
I’ve been thinking about what she asked me earlier in the
day about her hair…then I repeat what I had heard in the old
movie. I am expecting a smile and reinstatement.



Not to be fooled, she says….”That’s wonderful, but I heard
that line from the kitchen…nice try.”



So much for my valiant attempt…. I cannot help but think a
course in school on how to deal with these types of
important issues would be of much more value than memorizing
the year Columbus discovered America. 1492 is one thing….
today is another story entirely.