To:
Queen Elizabeth,
Queen of England
Re: Household
repairs
Dear Queen:
By all current
accounts, I know you
are in dire straits
and in need of some
advice on how to
come up with the
moola (American for
dollars) necessary
to keep you living
in the style you
have become
accustomed to as
well as giving you
enough to make some
long overdue repairs
to your palaces.
We’ve been reading
about the fact that
some of your
residences haven’t
been updated in over
fifty years. The
reports I’ve read
say the wiring is
bad, the roofs leak
and a lot of the
rooms need painting
and redecorating.
One report says that
your rooms haven’t
been redecorated
since your father
died, which was
sometimes back in
the fifties, if I
recall correctly.
I am appalled. I am
shocked.
Even though you are
currently receiving
over eighty three
million a year to
keep up your current
lifestyle, in
today’s troubled
economic times, that
just won’t cut it
will it? I mean,
eighty three million
a year just isn’t
what it used to be,
is it? I was also
outraged to find
that your annual
maintenance budget
of thirty million
dollars hasn’t been
changed in over
fifteen years.
Obviously the people
who oversee your
spending haven’t
priced yard men
lately.
Well, I am the
answer to your
problems. I am here
to help you through
these trying times
and to get you back
on the track to
health, wealth and
financial stability.
Before I get into
how we can pay for
all of your much
needed repairs, I
want to give you a
few words of advice.
Warranties.
Since you folks live
in those big old
houses of yours for
centuries at a time,
I’d recommend you
not even look at any
contractor who
doesn’t offer you a
lifetime warranty. I
don’t know who built
Buckingham Palace,
but if one of your
ancestors had gotten
a lifetime warranty,
you wouldn’t be
having this problem
with the roof. Same
goes for the
plumbing. The wiring
is a little
different since it
didn’t come with the
house in the first
place. Still I would
look into some type
of extended warranty
package, if I were
you. Oh, and be sure
you get them to
install internet
service and
wireless, the next
King will thank you
for doing so.
Now about raising
money. Take a look
at how we get
corporate sponsors
for racecars in this
country. Virtually
every inch of their
cars have some sort
of logo or corporate
emblem plastered
onto them. The
driver as well as
the pit crews (the
guys who change the
tires and put gas in
the race car) wear
uniforms that have
advertising on them
as well.
Think about this.
How many people look
at those guards you
have in front of
your place every day
of the year? All of
those tourists from
all over the world
take pictures and
videos and send them
back to their
friends. I’d slap
some Internet or
dot.com sites on the
front of those red
jackets or those
bearskin helmets and
you could be raking
in some serious
money. I bet
Google.com or
GoDaddy.com would
grab those spots up
the day you offered
them. Same goes for
those mounted
cavalry horses.
Plenty of places for
advertising on those
horse blankets. I
know you haven’t
ever thought of
using that big old
gold carriage of
yours as a way to
advertise, but I’d
be willing to bet
some beer company
would pay a pretty
penny to have their
logo on the doors.
Companies like
Budweiser and
Coca-Cola are
constantly looking
for ways to get
their names out in
front of the public.
The cars you drive
as well as those
carriages are a
perfect place for
their corporate
logos.
Think about it.
You’d want to stick
with something nice
and tasteful such as
Nike. I’d shy away
from Cialis or
Viagra.
Another way for you
to bring in some
bucks would be to
auction off some of
your clothes. I’ve
never seen you in
the same outfit
twice and you always
wear a hat. You
could put those
things up for sale
on E-Bay and they
would fly out the
door faster than you
could say something
like….. “Good golly,
King Henry” or
something else that
rhymes.
I realize you are
going on eighty
three and probably
set in your ways,
but why not rent
those tennis courts
and swimming pools
out by the hour? I’d
bet there are a lot
of folks close to
where some of your
places are that
would love to have a
nice quiet place to
swim a few laps and
lob a few balls. I
bet you hardly ever
use them anymore
yourself.
Well, that’s about
all I’ve got at this
time, but I’ll write
more when I think of
some other options.
Oh, one more before
I forget…..cell
phone antennas, big
money…put them on
your roofs, hardly
ever notice them,
they bring in lots
of cash.
I hope these few
words are of service
to you. Let me know
if you want the
names of some good
contractors. I can
fix you up. They do
lifetime warranties.
