Dear
readers: this is a
column I put out
several years
ago….my wife as well
as others have asked
me to repeat it.
Since I don’t
catalog any columns
by subject (I
suppose I should)
the only way I can
find an old one is
to go back and look
at each one. So here
it is…
Wow, what a week.
… not the time of
the year for 1200
miles of car travel
in Texas …. this
is going to be a
scorcher this year
… Spent an
wonderful couple of
days at a Bed and
Breakfast in Austin.
You can’t call them
a Bed and Board any
longer … because
they don’t "board"
you, they just give
you breakfast. It
was very enjoyable
and relaxing … The
place was quiet,
clean and best of
all the owners left
us alone to do
whatever we felt
like doing … my
kind of place .. .I
hope I can find
others out there
that are just as
pleasant. I was
telling the owner,
about writing this
column over a cup of
coffee and he told
me he had something
funny he wanted me
to read …. My wife
and I were sitting
on a swing on the
upstairs porch
drinking coffee as
we went over what
you are about to
read …. I have to
tell you both of our
sides hurt from
laughing so hard
…. I wish I could
take credit for
having written this
… but, I can’t…I
do hope you find
this as funny as we
did …
THIS IS AN ACTUAL
ESSAY WRITTEN BY A
COLLEGE APPLICANT TO
NYU ..
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE
ADMISSIONS STAFF OF
OUR COLLEGE TO GET
TO KNOW YOU, THE
APPLICANT, BETTER,
WE ASK THAT YOU
ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE
ANY SIGNIFICANT
EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE
HAD, OR OTHER
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT
HELPED TO DEFINE YOU
AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic
figure, often seen
scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have
been known to
remodel train
stations on my lunch
breaks, making them
more efficient in
the area of heat
retention. I
translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write
award-winning
operas. I manage
time efficiently.
Occasionally, I
tread water for
three days in a row.
I woo women with my
sensuous and godlike
trombone playing. I
can pilot bicycles
up several inclines
with unflagging
speed. I cook Thirty
Minute brownies in
twenty minutes. I am
an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love,
and an outlaw in
Peru.
Using only a hoe and
a large glass of
water, I once
single-handedly
defended a small
village in the
Amazon Basin from a
horde of ferocious
army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the
Mets. I am the
subject of several
documentaries. When
I’m bored I build
large suspension
bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On
Wednesdays, after
school, I repair
electrical
appliances free of
charge.
I am an abstract
artist, a concrete
analyst, and a
ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide
swoon over my
original line of
corduroy evening
wear. I don’t
perspire. I am a
private citizen, yet
I receive fan mail.
I have been caller
number nine and have
won the weekend
passes. Last summer
I toured New Jersey
with a traveling
centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat
.400.
My deft floral
arrangements have
earned me fame in
international botany
circles. Children
trust me.
I can hurl tennis
rackets at small
moving objects with
deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise
Lost, Moby Dick and
David Copperfield in
one day and still
had time to
refurbish an entire
room that evening. I
know the exact
location of every
food item in the
supermarket. I have
performed several
covert operations
for the CIA. I sleep
once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in
a chair. While on
vacation in Canada,
I successfully
negotiated with a
group of terrorists
who had seized a
small bakery. The
laws of physics do
not apply to me.
I balance, I weave,
I dodge, I frolic,
and my bills are all
paid. On weekends,
to let off steam, I
participate in full
contact origami.
Years ago, I
discovered the
meaning of life but
forgot to write it
down. I have made
extraordinary four
course meals using
only a mouli and a
toaster oven.
I have won
bullfights in San
Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling
bees at the Kremlin.
I have played
Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart
surgery, and I have
spoken to Elvis.
But, I have not gone
to college.
He was accepted.
