It
seems to me that
just about all of
the instructions you
need to get through
life can be found in
the bible. Perhaps
I’m crazy but I
think that somewhere
in there it says
that we would be
better off teaching
a man to fish than
feeding him a fish
for one day. This
might be in the book
of Hesitations, but
I can’t be sure.
Anyway, I’m certain
that the lesson is
in there somewhere,
even if I have
gotten it all wrong
so far. The point is
that we are all
better off teaching
others to take care
of themselves rather
than giving them a
hand out day after
day, year after
year.
So, how did I arrive
at this topic for
this week? Easy, the
birds. You remember
that movie that
Hitchcock put out
years ago? Well,
that’s the scene at
our house. We are
overloaded with
doves. The majestic
birds of peace.
And the majestic
birds of poop.
Several weeks ago,
when the first cold
snap came through, I
took pity on the
poor creatures and
thought I would do a
good thing and fill
up all of the bird
feeders. I usually
don’t do this until
the spring, but for
some reason I broke
my own rule and
loaded them up the
brim. This was a big
mistake on my part.
Now we have flocks
of peaceful doves
roosting all around
our house dining at
the conveniently
placed feeders
scattered throughout
the property. They
have become almost
tame. It’s almost
like those pigeons
you see in from of
St. Peters cathedral
in Rome. They walk
along side of us as
if we are their new
found friends.
Which I guess we
are. Although I
don’t want to be and
I didn’t mean to be.
I cannot help but
wonder how these
birds survived all
of these winters
when I didn’t feed
them? Where have
they been up until
now? I’m sure this
species has been
around for thousands
of years, after all
doves are mentioned
in the Bible. You
think John the
Baptist put out food
for the ones he had?
Probably not, come
to think of it, he
could have just told
Jesus and birdseed
from heaven appeared
just like the loaves
and the fishes.
I wouldn’t mind them
so much if they were
just a little more
careful about their
toilet habits. The
ones that roost out
in the trees in the
yard don’t bother
me. The ones that
roost over the
walkways and my roof
need to move as soon
as possible. Our
walkways, porches
and roof are
spattered with daily
presents from our
feathered friends.
We have to wash
these on a regular
basis to keep the
place looking nice
since our house is
for sale. The birds
have either not
gotten the message
that they are
causing me a lot of
grief and extra work
or they simply don’t
care. I personally
think it’s the
latter.
The water coming
into our house has
about 100 lbs, of
pressure. I’ve taken
to going outside
about 4 in the
morning and spraying
the trees with our
hose in the hopes of
driving them away to
somewhere else, like
our neighbors. Not
the ones we like,
the ones we don’t
get along with.
I’ve had zero
success. My loving
wife thinks if I
continue to spray
the trees with the
water hose in this
freezing weather,
their little claws
with freeze closed
on the branches and
they will be stuck
there. Perhaps they
will freeze all
over. One can always
hope.
I finally found my
pellet gun and
thought about just
popping off a few
pellets into the
trees just before I
go to bed, but then
my good wife reminds
me that ‘these are
the birds of peace.’
I’m thinking these
are the same kinds
of birds I have
hunted for years
when dove season
opens. What, pray
tell is the
difference? I
suppose I could just
unlimber my old
twelve gauge and
knock down some for
dinner, but the
neighbors are sure
to complain and
besides there’s
probably a law
against doing such
as this.
There’s a lesson to
be learned here for
all of us. I’m
certain those birds
were doing fine for
themselves before I
came along. Now, I
am the symbol of
their nutritional
bailout. For these
birds, I am equal to
the government. They
will probably be
around for years to
come, unable and
unwilling to leave
my yard to fend for
themselves.
I cannot allow this
to happen. I cannot
deprive these
creatures of their
God given talents to
go out into the
world and seek out
their fortunes or
failures without any
help from me or my
family. In short I
will cease the food
hand out program I
have started. I know
this will be a great
shock to them and
hope they can see
the wisdom of my
decision, but it
must be done. For
their own good….
I will keep you
informed as to my
progress. Wish me
well.
