Letters from North
America
When
I started writing these
columns many years ago,
I often identified
little things I called
‘truisms’ or ‘Perry’s
law’. These are just
little quirks in life
that we all seem to
encounter from time to
time. What’s amazing is
how true they are and
how often they do
actually happen.
For example, last night
I was on my way to a
meeting. If you’re even
a few minutes late, you
can bet the traffic will
get worse and you’ll
never be on time. On the
other hand, if you’re
early, the traffic is
almost always very light
and you are guaranteed
to arrive far too early.
If this happens in the
mornings, you will
always have time for at
least four cups of
coffee which should make
you hyper in time for
your people to arrive.
Packing for a trip is
always a challenge for
me. If you take too many
shirts or whatever …you
can rest assured you
won’t need all of them.
However, if you take
only exactly what you
think you’ll need …. you
will always need more
than you packed due to a
spill or rip of some
sort.
Try scheduling an event,
the ones you thought
won’t attend always will
and those you thought
would attend…won’t.
The movie you wanted to
see (even though it got
bad reviews) is always
full and the one you
swore not to see (it got
great reviews) is the
only one available. When
you go to a new
restaurant to try out
something special you
can bet they will be
sold out of this item.
Last but not least….the
pictures you didn’t care
about saving always turn
out great and the ones
you wanted either get
deleted or ruined.
Here’s another list of
these I’ve managed to
obtain over the years:
Law of Mechanical Repair
– After your hands
become coated with
grease, your nose will
begin to itch and you’ll
have to use the
bathroom.
Law of Gravity – Any
tool, nut, bolt, screw,
when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible
corner.
Law of Probability -The
probability of being
watched is directly
proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers –
If you dial a wrong
number, you never get a
busy signal and someone
always answers.
Law of the Alibi – If
you tell the boss you
were late for work
because you had a flat
tire, the very next
morning you will have a
flat tire.
Variation Law – If you
change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were
in will always move
faster than the one you
are in now (works every
time).
Law of the Bath – When
the body is fully
immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
-The probability of
meeting someone you know
increases dramatically
when you are with
someone you don’t want
to be seen with.
Law of the Result – When
you try to prove to
someone that a machine
won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics –
The severity of the itch
is inversely
proportional to the
reach.
Law of the Theater and
Hockey Arena – At any
event, the people whose
seats are furthest from
the aisle, always arrive
last. They are the ones
who will leave their
seats several times to
go for food, beer, or
the toilet and who leave
early before the end of
the performance or the
game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come
early, never move once,
have long gangly legs or
big bellies, and stay to
the bitter end of the
performance. The aisle
people also are very
surly folk.
The Coffee Law – As soon
as you sit down to a cup
of hot coffee, someone
will ask you to do
something which will
last until the coffee is
cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers
– If there are only two
people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent
lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
– The chances of an
open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face
down on a floor are
directly correlated to
the newness and cost of
the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument
– Anything is possible
if you don’t know what
you are talking about.
Law of Physical
Appearance – If the
clothes fit, they’re
ugly.
Law of Public Speaking –
A closed mouth gathers
no feet.
Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy – As
soon as you find a
product that you really
like, they will stop
making it.
Doctors’ Law – If you
don’t feel well, make an
appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you
get there you’ll feel
better. But don’t make
an appointment, and
you’ll stay sick.
And finally, the funny
noise your car makes
always stops about a
block before you get it
to the repair shop.
Comments got to
www.pearyperry.com.
Complaints go nowhere.
