Letters from North
America
With
all of the so-called
‘self help’ books on the
market today, it’s
amazing to me that there
isn’t one out there to
teach young men what to
expect after they first
get married. I’m not
suggesting a title such
as … “The Idiots Guide
to Marriage” but some
type of guide book for
first time males to use
as a primer on some
simple differences
between men and women.
Obviously I won’t have
time to cover a large
number of these but
let’s give it a try and
discuss a few that come
to me right off the top
of my head.
Let’s start with
bananas. Men like
bananas. I’m not certain
that holds true with
women, but I can’t think
of a single man I’ve
ever met who didn’t like
a banana. Men like to
eat them when they have
black spots on the
outside since they know
that the sugar content
has built up inside and
they are better tasting.
Women hate bananas with
dark spots. They will
throw these away. Young
man, if you’re about to
be married and you want
to save your bananas,
then I’d suggest you
hide them somewhere
safe, like in your sock
drawer until you want to
eat one. If you leave
these sitting on a
counter in the kitchen
they’ll be in the trash
before you know it.
Trust me.
Oddly enough, women are
not adverse to overripe
apples. I can’t stand
semi rotten or mushy
apples but they don’t
seem to bother my wife.
To each his own I always
say.
Another point you might
want to consider…is
getting some type of
binding agreement before
you enter into
matrimonial bless. One
that should be covered
is the communal use of a
razor. The razor blade
companies in this
country go to
extraordinary lengths to
increase the number of
blades on each razor. My
grandfather used a
straight razor; I
started with a single
edge blade, now we are
up to a five blade
razor. I wonder when the
madness will stop. I
can’t really tell any
difference from the ones
I used ten or fifteen
years ago than the ones
we use today.
Except when my wife uses
my razor to shave her
legs. The hair on men’s
faces is soft in
comparison to the hair
on the legs of most
women. I have no real
scientific evidence to
prove that women’s leg
hair is actually very
similar in chemical
construction to copper
wire, but my gut tells
me it’s very close. I
can put a brand new
blade in my razor and
use it once, then try it
the next morning and it
feels as if I’m shaving
my face with a brick. A
polite inquiry will
reveal that my darling
spouse has used my razor
… ‘just that once’ and
didn’t think I would
notice. If you don’t
believe me, look at that
stuff they use for
dissolving the hair on
their legs, they should
label that stuff as
toxic waste, you can use
it as a pint stripper.
Never put this stuff on
your face.
Be especially careful
with things you might
consider to be old or
sentimental. I knew a
friend who had an old
collection of baseballs
signed by famous
players. His wife washed
them all because ..
‘they looked dirty’. So
much for Babe Ruth and
Ty Cobb. Another friend
had taken forever to
break in a favorite
pipe, it got washed as
well. One of my sons had
a coffee mug he used in
the Navy. For some
reason it was thought
(at least on his vessel)
to be bad luck to wash
the mugs so after four
years it was pretty
nasty, but he treasured
it. His girl friend
managed to fix that and
was very proud she had
done such a great job of
… ‘cleaning it up.’
Perhaps this self help
book of mine should have
some sample contracts to
assist in the
negotiations which
should be established
prior to anyone’s
wedding. Control of the
television remote is a
given, goes to the man.
Power to operate the
dishwasher and clothes
washer and dryer, no
argument there. Not my
job. Rights to choose
the color of drapes and
blinds in the house?
Clearly the women need
to take control of this.
Power to choose what
kind of couch goes to
the men. Women can pick
the wine, men can choose
the beer.
Young men, if you want a
happy married life, I’d
suggest you get with
several of your married
friends and go over
these points. I’m
certain they can assist
you in making a list so
that you can avoid any
future need for lengthy
negotiations or
litigation. You don’t
want to get into any of
those with your new
bride. You’ll lose,
trust me.
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www.pearyperry.com.
Complaints go nowhere.
