Letters from North
America
This week I’d like to
discuss another subject
which I believe proves
up one of the
fundamental differences
between men and women.
Shoes.
Men generally have a
limited number of shoes.
One black pair, one
brown, couple of pair of
loafers, a pair of boots
and some running shoes
or something to work out
in the gym, and some
house shoes. These are
usually good for life
since no one has ever
worn out a pair of house
shoes in modern times.
House shoes are usually
not made from any sort
of natural leather, but
of some industrial
composite mix of steel
and shark skin with some
bondo thrown in for good
measure and stiffness.
Men’s meager inventory
can easily fit into a
small book box or about
2.5 cubic feet of room
in a closet. Men do not
build rooms to store
shoes. Men generally do
not need shoe racks. Men
are very uncomplicated
and simplistic about
shoes. Men do not have
to ‘coordinate’ their
wardrobes around a pair
of shoes. Wearing blue
jeans …use the boots or
the loafers or even the
house shoes. No one will
notice. No one will
care. Trust me on this.
Men can even get away
with wearing brown shoes
with a blue shirt and it
will not make a blip on
anyone’s radar, no one
notices what kind of
shoes men wear, unless
they aren’t wearing any.
This is where that
famous slogan started…
no shoes, no shirt, no
service. Men can push
the envelope unless
rules and boundaries are
established.
Women on the other hand
take an entirely
different approach.
Women can build houses
around a room used to
store their shoes. Shoes
are the basic foundation
for what they wear and
when they wear it. Women
can have ninety pair of
shoes and they will
still be shopping for
more. A favorite saying
for women is… ‘You can
never have enough
shoes’. Women see no
problem with needing a
different pair of shoes
for each dress or outfit
they own. Of course they
need a handbag to match
those shoes as well. The
current ratio of
handbags to shoes in
this country is two
pairs of shoes to each
handbag. That’s
according to the
National Foundation of
Useless Statistics in
Washington. In poorer
third world countries
such as North Korea, the
ratio is closer to ten
or twelve pair to one
purse. My sources tell
me that there is a
humanitarian effort
underway to airdrop more
purses to these
underprivileged and
unfortunate women. I
believe this item is in
the coming budget to be
announced at any time.
You probably weren’t
aware of the fact that
CSI teams around the
country use shoes to
identify the sex of
unidentified bodies.
Sad, but true. If a body
turns up and is unable
to be immediately
identified the
investigator looks
around to see if there
is a handbag or a purse
nearby, thus helping to
establish important
clues necessary to solve
the mystery. This
technique has been
adopted by most modern
law enforcement
agencies.
Cave women were the
first known users of
high heels. Since wood
had not been invented
during the Neanderthal
age, women were forced
to tie small rocks under
the heels of their Saber
Tooth tiger skin foot
wrappings.
Anthropologists have
documented vast cultural
movements of these cave
people from one place to
another simply due to
their lack of storage
space for shoes. Some
scientists think the
migration from Siberia
to North America took
place due to inadequate
shoe storage space in
the frozen Artic
regions.
My wife is a confessed
shoe-oholic and has been
for years. She attended
the meetings for almost
two years, but stopped
when they suggested she
go cold turkey and not
buy another pair for at
least six months. She
left that meeting and
never went back. She
said they were entirely
unreasonable and
expected too much from
any woman. It was just
impossible to comply
with something as
ridiculous as this.
Recently she went to a
store and bought clear
plastic boxes to store
her shoes in. She put
all of her shoes in
these boxes and put them
back in her closet where
she could see them. Then
she stacked the empty
cardboard boxes in my
closet where there is
more room. She is at a
loss to explain the need
to keep the empty boxes
and at this point in our
marriage I see no need
to ask why. Mine is not
to reason why……besides
that walk from Siberia
to Detroit or from
Detroit back to Siberia
looks too long and hard
for me at my age. I’ll
just go eat my dinner in
my old house shoes and
keep my mouth shut.
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