Letters from North
America
Most
of us have heard that
old saying that goes
something like…. “In the
spring time a young
man’s something or
another goes to fancy or
something…” I forgot
most of it, but you know
what I mean. Anyway,
here we are in the
middle of winter and
once we have one or two
clear, warm and pleasant
days, you can bet most
of us are out doing what
we normally do this time
each and every year.
Head to the nursery and
buy new flowers and
plants. I happen to like
things that bloom and
look nice. I just don’t
like what happens once
they get planted in my
yard.
I like plants that bud
and grow all spring,
summer and most of the
fall. However, it seems
that for nearly all of
my adult life I’ve
managed to buy mostly
what the stores call
“annuals”. In my case, I
think they should be
changed to “monthlies”
or in some case
“weeklies”. In fact the
term could even be
better expressed as “weaklies”.
I have the unique
distinction of being
able to take a perfectly
healthy plant or flower
from the store and you
can bet it’ll begin to
spiral into the final
throes of death before I
have driven 10 miles.
I’m almost certain that
if I could hear plant
talk, I’d be able to
hear them screaming …
“no, no, not him….anyone
but him…please don’t let
him take me….”
Fortunately my hearing
is not as good as it
once was, so if they do
yell, I can’t tell. I’m
the dark avenger of the
plant world. Once I get
these expensive objects
home and put them into
pots with soil as
directed… I move them to
the most advantageous
locations that are
called for in the
directions. I follow the
directions very closely.
Then I eagerly await
their growth and
blooming cycles, which
almost certainly never
happen as portrayed on
the sales information. I
believe I could be a
plant tester for any
major landscape company.
If it lived under my
care, then it’ll live
anywhere. Tested by
Perry might become
famous…there’s a
thought.
Several years ago I was
given a 20 year Bonsai
for Christmas. A
beautiful plant, but it
died in a matter of
months. What was I doing
wrong here? Do the plant
people want these things
to die so you have to
keep coming back year
after year? (You think)
How do they get all of
them to bloom at the
same time when you are
in the store? If they
wilt at my house in a
week, wouldn’t they have
wilted at the store as
well, and if so where
are they now? You don’t
see wilted flowers and
plants in the stores. It
must be flower fairies
who change them all out
each night.
Another thing I’ve
noticed…..you can get
the pots all filled and
looking nice and then
next winter when you
have to move them inside
to keep them from
freezing each pot now
weighs about 5 times as
much. Perhaps I’m
growing a new species
called Concretus Potus
or something. All I know
is these things now have
to lugged around with a
forklift. They look and
feel really hardy, but
looks can be deceiving.
You’re thinking nothing
short of a nuclear blast
can kill this baby. Then
the first night you
forget to bring
everything inside, and
the temperature drops
below freezing for about
12 seconds, that hardy
thing you couldn’t move
is guaranteed to
shrivel, droop and die
before dawn. Then you’re
faced with the daunting
challenge of what to do
with the dead carcass
and how you can
dismember it in such a
way as to get it into
the garbage. Since the
average garbage
collector won’t touch
anything not wrapped,
tied or bound according
to the "Sanitary Refuse
Haulers Convention
Agreement of Vienna ,
1895” , you can bet the
dead thing will be
hanging around longer
than you’d like.
My garbage guys follow
the Vienna rules so
closely they won’t pick
up things that are left
out on the wrong side of
the trashcans. Dead
plants fall into some
different category than
the usual stuff we throw
away. Try sticking
something with thorns
into a plastic bag. This
could qualify as some
form of new Olympic
contest. In some cases
I’ve found that mailing
the dead plant stuff to
someone is actually
cheaper and easier than
getting into an argument
with Bruno the head
trash collector on our
block. Of course, so
would buying plastic
flowers and shrubs. But
then they wouldn’t ever
bloom would they? Hope
springs eternal…or
something like that.
Comments got to
www.pearyperry.com.
Complaints go nowhere.
