Letters from North
America
I’m
certain some of you have
experienced what I call
déjà vu when it comes to
sermons or
conversations…..you hear
something one day and
then almost the same
thing from a totally
different source a day
or so later. When
writing a column you’ll
find this happens around
the holidays, for
example if I write about
Christmas, Thanksgiving
or the Four of July, so
do a lot of other people
in the country. The
reason I bring this up
is that this morning I
was set to write a
column outlining some of
the past events of the
year when I got an
e-mail with a column
written by my friend
Dave Barry. I call him
my friend since I sent
him something years ago
and he sent me a signed
postcard on which he had
written… “You go,
guy…your friend Dave”. I
thought I had saved it
but just now I see that
I must have misplaced it
and there is a US Army
decal in it’s place. I’m
not sure exactly what
that means.
Anyway, I’ll try not to
repeat a lot of the
things Dave covered, but
some of the things he
wrote about will be
somewhat similar for
this column. I know
that’s confusing, but
bear with me anyway, it
should turn out alright
before I finish. I’m not
going to go in any sort
of monthly order, but
just hit some of the
highlights of 2009.
The current news
concerns the activities
of the so-called ‘panty
bomber’. I suppose this
shows a sign of
progression from the
Unabomber to the Shoe
Bomber and now some
Nigerian who stuffs his
underwear with an
explosive. In my opinion
his escape plan left
something to be desired.
Next up on the agenda
should be the bra
bomber. The initial
reports indicate that
the suspect in this case
may a disgruntled
Nigerian who received a
letter telling him he
was in line to receive a
large amount of money
from the Last National
Bank of Detroit and only
had to send in his name,
bank account numbers and
four major credit cards
to claim his fortune.
Once he found out this
might be a fraud he
decided to take things
into his own hands or…
other parts of his body.
The head of Homeland
Security, Janet
Napolitano is reported
to be changing the
security measures at the
airports to require
passengers to arrive
wearing only thongs or
bathing suits. Industry
experts predict that
this may cause a major
drop in passenger
traffic which will
require another
government industry
bailout. According to
the White House the
government bailouts
issued in 2009 have all
been wildly successful.
First we had Cash for
Clunkers in which
Americans were urged to
give up their American
made automobiles for
cash and a new foreign
car. How this was to
help the American auto
industry is still
unclear, but
nevertheless the program
was declared to be
wildly successful. Cash
for Caulkers is the same
principal only for
appliances and
weatherizing homes and
residences. The state of
Florida reports that
over 2,500 homeless
citizens have received
nearly 132 billion
dollars in rebates just
for upgrading their
cardboard boxes with
Saran Wrap and duct tape
The White House is
issuing a memo next week
about this wildly
successful program. On a
more serious note, the
White House has issued
another sternly worded
first class, special
delivery letter to
Iranian President
I’madinnerjacket.
Although the letter was
not written by the
President, it was
actually signed, in blue
ink by President Obama.
The contents of the
letter was not disclosed
but spokesmen at the
White House says the
tone was ‘wildly
successful’.
In other news, several
member of Congress are
favoring changing the
face on the Statue of
Liberty to that of
Michael Jackson. A
decade of mourning has
also been proposed with
the caveat that right
wing extremists’ talk
show programs be forced
to play music from the
Thriller and Billy Jean
for each hour they are
broadcasting on the
radio.
One good item did occur
as a result of the
government bailouts. The
Bernie Madoff investment
scheme was uncovered
when Mr. Madoff began to
recommend that all of
his clients buy stock in
General Motors. This
caused a lot of
suspicion which untimely
led to his arrest and
conviction. Previous
promises of 105% returns
had not aroused any such
inquiries. Several
investors stated… “We
had no clue” that
anything was wrong.
Other than the usual
number of politicians
who managed to get into
trouble and not be
convicted as well as the
number of women who have
been seen with Tiger
Woods, the year was
fairly quiet. The jury
is still out on what we
can expect for 2010.
I’ll probably have to
save up two columns for
next December.
Comments go to
pperry@austin.rr.com