Boy, talk about being a dollar short and a day late.


This story should have been written last week. It seems that in some parts of the country, people are being attacked by wild turkeys. A Norman, OK resident reported that he was riding his dirt bike down a country trail when a flock of wild turkeys stalked him…’ beat him with their wings and scratched him with their sharp spurs on the back of their legs.’

He escaped on his motorbike, but looked back and they were chasing him. He says .’ it was a spooky deal.’


A wildlife manager outside of Boston has reported 25 aggressive turkey calls so far this year. I suppose I should rephrase that’ there were 25 calls from people due to aggressive turkeys so far this year. Another report says that a mail carrier in New Jersey had to kill one of these creatures when it wouldn’t let him out of his truck. Gives new meaning to the slogan neither rain, no sleet, nor snow ..nor turkey will keep me from my appointed rounds..’doesn’t it’


A Pennsylvania wildlife manager states he has had to kill 42 turkeys so far this year. I wonder if they have to file a report of some kind up there when they terminate an aggressive bird. You know, like one of those discharging firearms reports we read about in the paper when a police officer shoots his gun’seems like he should or it would be kind of a foul deal, or would that be a fowl deal’


Experts are worried these wild turkeys may become more of a nuisance in the coming years. Apparently they have seen this kind of behavior in the white tail deer and the Canadian goose. I suppose the Canadian goose is upset over us not honking in French when we do bird calls. What does a French goose call sound like anyway’


These are not birds to be taken lightly, maybe with gravy, but not lightly.just kidding. Anyway, these grow to be 4 feet tall and weigh in at 25 pounds and can run about 20 miles per hour. You would do well to carry an umbrella to swat the bird away is one piece of advice. Another expert suggested a water hose or a dog. I think a 12 gauge is more effective in our part of the country. You are not to turn your back on these at any time since this shows them you are afraid and that they are dominant.


I did like the method a Florida biologist used to subdue these nasty things. He grabbed the turkey by the throat and slapped him several times like you used to see on the old Three Stooges movies.this would make the bird get quiet and wobble off.


There doesn’t seem to be any clear cut explanations as to why the birds have turned out to be our not so ‘ fine feathered friends. One biologist said that the bird population had increased from around 30,000 in 1930 to over 7,000,000 today. I wonder who gets paid to take a turkey census’ How much do they get paid and what do you need for qualifications to apply’ They also seem to have an established pecking order (this is their language, not mine) and think we are below their level. So much for us.

This is a serious problem and of global importance. As Americans, we are eating more turkeys than ever each year. Turkey isn’t just a Thanksgiving meal anymore, thanks to modern day advertising. Perhaps the turkeys have gotten wind of this and decided that enough is enough and they were going to fight back. How much longer will it be before there are gangs of vicious fighting turkeys in our cities and towns threatening our womenfolk and small children’ Not to mention our cats and dogs. Seems to me, former President Carter was attacked by a redneck rabid rabbit (say that 5 or 6 times real fast, if you can) some years past. We may be seeing a trend here.


I would suggest we organize and consider doing something about this threat to humankind, but PETA would most likely intervene on behalf of the turkeys and we’d be sued for one thing or another.


What do you call an attorney who represents turkeys, anyway’


I’ll stop there and let you think of the answer.