I suppose at one time or another, every married man wonders what it would be like to be single once more. I think this is normal and natural to try and guess what our lives would be like if we were once again left to our own devices and were free to live as we pleased.
This past week, my wife, being the kind of good woman she is, left me for several days to go help with one of our sick granddaughters.
I am on my own. Free to be me, free to do what I like, when I like for as long as I like…until she gets home.
The first night I went to a movie by myself and saw the remake of ‘ Becket’ which had originally been released in 1964. It hadn’t changed since it was first released.
I am bored to tears with television and the papers. If I hear the name ‘ Anna Nicole Smith’ once again, I think I will scream and run out of the house and down the street. Naked.well, maybe not.
After a couple of days, I notice the following traits start to show up around our house.
I leave the toilet seats in the up position. In every bathroom.
I tend to use and reuse the dishes in the dishwasher, never unloading them, just using the ones inside and then rewashing them over and over. If I did this for any length of time, I would imagine all of the patterns would be worn off in a short period of time.
I use the same towels and washcloths several times before putting them on top of the washer. I do not wash clothes each and every day. If the soap in the shower falls to the floor, I let it stay there.it isn’t going anywhere.
I don’t double bag the trash and I wait until the bag is full to the top before I take it out to the garbage can. No sense in making too many unnecessary trips.
I eat leftovers, making a meal out of such diverse delicacies as frozen waffles, pork and beans and some not too old lunchmeat. I tend to use more medicine for my growing acid reflux. I can’t think of any reason for the increase in my heartburn.
I cook a lot. I try recipes which I have hidden away in various nooks and crannies which I have wanted to try for years, but know they require every pot in the kitchen to prepare. I throw away a lot of bad recipes that did not turn out the way I thought they should. Do not try a recipe for pickled eggplant.you won’t like it. The refrigerator is full of complete dinners. They will probably spoil before they get eaten.
I don’t throw away the coat hangers that are building up in my closet. Mainly because the trash bags are full and I don’t want to carry the full one out until I absolutely have to do so and then start over.
I do not answer the phone, or return calls to anyone who leaves a message, if they want to talk to me, they can come by the house. I am incommunicado. I wish to be left alone.
I sulk in the den, with the television off, and wonder why no one has called to check on me, not that I would answer if they did, but they haven’t, which hurts my feeling and inspires me to go cook something else.
I sleep in the middle, not on one side of the bed with both dogs. One on each side. I feel like a dogwich.
Both dogs snore and chase rabbits in their dreams.I can’t sleep but won’t put the dogs downstairs since I am a grown man and can do as I please.
Once she calls and tells me she is on the way home, I get my tail in high gear.
Take out the trash, including the coat hangers.
Clean out the dishwasher.
Wash and dry the piled up laundry.
Make up the bed.
Throw away some of the oldest leftovers.
Put the toilet seats down.
Open the windows and get some air in here, what makes that smell anyway’
Thank God, she is on the way home. I couldn’t stand to live with myself if I had to do it for any length of time. It is not good for man to live alone. I read that somewhere. Left on my own for any extended period of time, I think I would revert back to caveman status.
Wives keep us from that fate.
Oh, yes and I picked up the soap off the floor in the shower.