Worry started to gnaw at the corner of my mind as I stood in a doorway in the alley to avoid the pouring rain. I hate these kinds of deals, you never know when someone is going to turn on you and snitch you off to the authorities. My source is late; he’s never been late before. What might have happened’did he forget, is he ok’ I can’t leave without the package. My dog will never forgive me if I come home empty handed.

Sounds like it came right out of a drug deal, right’ Wrong.

A lady down the street from us works for some company that supplies product to veterinarians. She has us convinced that dogs need to keep their teeth and gums in good condition for optimum health. She has even given us a brochure from a doggie dentist in town who takes care of pooch teeth. I didn’t ask if they do braces, since I’m not interested. If my teeth didn’t get them, then neither will my dog. So much for that.

Anyway, the best tooth and gum product out here according to our friend is something called a ‘Greenie’. Let me tell you folks, it’s not to be believed. These are small green toothbrush shaped doggie bones that you give to your dog as a treat and it helps keep their breath nice and teeth clean. I suppose they do work since my dog’s teeth are whiter than mine, but I’m not about to start eating these things, besides they taste terrible.

The trouble is they are terribly addicting and shame on you if you happen to run out. Your loving animal will become a snarling, angry and unforgiving beast that will turn on you in a second unless you produce their reward. Our sweet dog, has gotten to the point that he will rush through his first bowl of food in the morning, make a mad dash into the den to search for his greenie treat and look at me as if I’ve lost my mind if it’s not on the floor for him each day. He takes on a look that is almost demon possessed.

Oh, did I mention that these things go for about ninety cents each at the pet food store’ Ninety cents! There is no generic product on the market at this time. You can’t fool our dog with some cheap substitute either. If I toss a regular old dog biscuit out on the floor instead of the greenie, he’ll turn his nose up at it and stand there and whine until I wimp out and drop a greenie on him. I hate being dictated to by some four-legged animal.

The manufacturer of these things must be making a bloody fortune. Who knows what they have in them as a secret ingredient that makes them so desirable. I’ve checked with dog owners and have found they have the same problem. Once hooked, they stay hooked.

I now find myself searching web sites for discounted Greenies in bulk. So far I’ve managed to get the price down to about fifty-six cents if I buy in bulk. I’m running out of space in our pantry. Maybe I should think about trying to get my dog weaned off of these and just say ‘no’. I don’t think he can stand going cold turkey. I haven’t checked or intend to check to see if rehab facilities for dogs are springing up across the country. I wouldn’t be surprised.

Some of the pet stores are having a difficult time keeping these in stock. People show up before they open to buy whatever is on hand just so they won’t have to tell Fido the cupboard is bare and no treat today. Worst than that is if your dog is named Spike or Killer and weighs more than you do, then you’ve got real problems.

So, it’s come down to this. I am now reduced to looking for bootleg supplies of Greenies to take home. I search the auction sites to see if anyone has any for sale. Since this matter is getting out of hand across the country I suppose it won’t be long before we begin to see truckloads of greenies being highjacked and stolen for their precious cargo. I’m sure counterfeit copies from China will start showing up in flea markets throughout the country any day now.

Talk about embarrassing, imagine going to prison for having dealt in stolen dog bones.

The dialogue might go like this….

“What’re you in here for’ ”

“I helped my dog become a greenie junkie.”

Step away from the greenies; use plain old dog biscuits for you and your dog’s health.