Q & A

Every year at this time, the air is filled with the prayers of the faithful who have reached the limit their pants and skirts can stretch. Yes, friends it’s time to break out the nastiest four-letter word we can possibly utter….


This year I’ve decided to get a head start on my annual pilgrimage towards the torture of exercise and caloric reduction. No more pie, no more cake, no more anything that remotely tastes good. I vow to eat only things that are guaranteed to be non-fattening, things like dirt, air and plain tap water. I call this the “basic survival drastic life change diet” program. I may consider writing a book about all of the fun things you can do with dirt to make it digestible. Besides the obvious recipes for mud pies, we could have dirt dabber cookies, air cakes and multiple cocktails made with plain old water. Be still my heart.

Having said all of that, I ran across something in my e-mails that might need to be considered before I just jump out there and endanger my life. After all, I have responsibilities, a family and a dog that loves me dearly. I know he would hate for me to do anything rash that might stem the flow of food in the bowl every day.

So, please read and consider these relevant items:

The Facts:

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true’
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer’Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables’
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat’Hay and corn. And what are these’Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain’Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake’
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio’
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program’
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain … Good Body

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you’
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you’

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle’
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me’
A: Are you crazy’HELLO … Cocoa beans…. another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around! Stay healthy, eat more chocolate.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure’
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle’
A: Hey! ‘Round’*is* a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets — and remember,

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – strawberries and chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming – WOO HOO! What a Ride!”