Dear readers: this is a column I put out several years ago’.my wife as well as others have asked me to repeat it. Since I don’t catalog any columns by subject (I suppose I should) the only way I can find an old one is to go back and look at each one. So here it is’
Wow, what a week. … not the time of the year for 1200 miles of car travel in Texas …. this is going to be a scorcher this year … Spent an wonderful couple of days at a Bed and Breakfast in Austin. You can’t call them a Bed and Board any longer … because they don’t “board” you, they just give you breakfast. It was very enjoyable and relaxing … The place was quiet, clean and best of all the owners left us alone to do whatever we felt like doing … my kind of place .. .I hope I can find others out there that are just as pleasant. I was telling the owner, about writing this column over a cup of coffee and he told me he had something funny he wanted me to read …. My wife and I were sitting on a swing on the upstairs porch drinking coffee as we went over what you are about to read …. I have to tell you both of our sides hurt from laughing so hard …. I wish I could take credit for having written this … but, I can’t…I do hope you find this as funny as we did …
THIS IS AN ACTUAL ESSAY WRITTEN BY A COLLEGE APPLICANT TO NYU ..
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR OTHER ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON’
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed. I cook Thirty Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of several documentaries. When I’m bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken to Elvis.
But, I have not gone to college.
He was accepted.