This week I’d like to discuss another subject which I believe proves up one of the fundamental differences between men and women.


Men generally have a limited number of shoes. One black pair, one brown, couple of pair of loafers, a pair of boots and some running shoes or something to work out in the gym, and some house shoes. These are usually good for life since no one has ever worn out a pair of house shoes in modern times. House shoes are usually not made from any sort of natural leather, but of some industrial composite mix of steel and shark skin with some bondo thrown in for good measure and stiffness. Men’s meager inventory can easily fit into a small book box or about 2.5 cubic feet of room in a closet. Men do not build rooms to store shoes. Men generally do not need shoe racks. Men are very uncomplicated and simplistic about shoes. Men do not have to ‘ coordinate’their wardrobes around a pair of shoes. Wearing blue jeans ‘ use the boots or the loafers or even the house shoes. No one will notice. No one will care. Trust me on this. Men can even get away with wearing brown shoes with a blue shirt and it will not make a blip on anyone’s radar, no one notices what kind of shoes men wear, unless they aren’t wearing any. This is where that famous slogan started’no shoes, no shirt, no service. Men can push the envelope unless rules and boundaries are established.

Women on the other hand take an entirely different approach. Women can build houses around a room used to store their shoes. Shoes are the basic foundation for what they wear and when they wear it. Women can have ninety pair of shoes and they will still be shopping for more. A favorite saying for women is”You can never have enough shoes’. Women see no problem with needing a different pair of shoes for each dress or outfit they own. Of course they need a handbag to match those shoes as well. The current ratio of handbags to shoes in this country is two pairs of shoes to each handbag. That’s according to the National Foundation of Useless Statistics in Washington. In poorer third world countries such as North Korea, the ratio is closer to ten or twelve pair to one purse. My sources tell me that there is a humanitarian effort underway to airdrop more purses to these underprivileged and unfortunate women. I believe this item is in the coming budget to be announced at any time.

You probably weren’t aware of the fact that CSI teams around the country use shoes to identify the sex of unidentified bodies. Sad, but true. If a body turns up and is unable to be immediately identified the investigator looks around to see if there is a handbag or a purse nearby, thus helping to establish important clues necessary to solve the mystery. This technique has been adopted by most modern law enforcement agencies.

Cave women were the first known users of high heels. Since wood had not been invented during the Neanderthal age, women were forced to tie small rocks under the heels of their Saber Tooth tiger skin foot wrappings. Anthropologists have documented vast cultural movements of these cave people from one place to another simply due to their lack of storage space for shoes. Some scientists think the migration from Siberia to North America took place due to inadequate shoe storage space in the frozen Artic regions.

My wife is a confessed shoe-oholic and has been for years. She attended the meetings for almost two years, but stopped when they suggested she go cold turkey and not buy another pair for at least six months. She left that meeting and never went back. She said they were entirely unreasonable and expected too much from any woman. It was just impossible to comply with something as ridiculous as this.

Recently she went to a store and bought clear plastic boxes to store her shoes in. She put all of her shoes in these boxes and put them back in her closet where she could see them. Then she stacked the empty cardboard boxes in my closet where there is more room. She is at a loss to explain the need to keep the empty boxes and at this point in our marriage I see no need to ask why. Mine is not to reason why”besides that walk from Siberia to Detroit or from Detroit back to Siberia looks too long and hard for me at my age. I’ll just go eat my dinner in my old house shoes and keep my mouth shut.