Saturdays
at our house are
usually reserved as
a kind of ‘catch-up’
day. We generally go
out for breakfast,
do some shopping and
then cool it in the
afternoon and relax.
This past Saturday
started off nice
enough. I’d started
a fire, got myself a
fresh cup of coffee
and was headed to my
favorite couch to
catch up on some
reading and a much
needed nap.
Unfortunately,
tragedy struck
before I had a
chance to turn the
first page or take
my first sip.
My lovely wife of
many, many years
enters the room and
asks one of the
‘Harmful to marriage
questions’ that men
would do anything to
avoid. I call these
questions this,
since they are a
kind of a puzzle
that cannot ever be
solved. You’ve heard
one these questions
used in
courtrooms…it goes
something like…”Have
you stopped beating
your wife?” There
is no correct
answer.
Well, she stands
over me and
asks…”What do you
think of my hair, is
it too long, does it
need to be colored
and do you think the
way I wear it makes
me look too old?”
Now, for the benefit
of the men out there
who haven’t read
this column over the
years, let me say
this. A question
such as this
requires extreme
diplomacy, tact and
sensitivity training
to answer properly.
Having said that,
let me add… give it
up you and I don’t
have the ability to
do this. If you can,
run…. try to escape,
pretend your car is
on fire, pretend you
see a stranger
lurking in the
flower beds, pretend
anything…but get out
of the house and
seek advice from
someone who may be
able to assist you
in your time of
need. Do not be
foolish enough to
assume that you can
wing this on your
own. You would most
likely be able to
negotiate a peace
accord between the
PLO and Israel
easier than bobbing
and weaving some off
the cuff answer to a
question such as
this.
Once she had gotten
the question out of
her mouth, I
immediately
attempted to use one
of my diversionary
tactics I have
suggested in the
past. I clutched my
chest and made
noises as if I was
having a heart
attack. I had
forgotten that this
had been used
unsuccessfully the
last time and was
therefore useless
this time as well.
Further attempts at
a migraine headache
failed as well. I
rushed to the window
in the hopes of
seeing an intruder,
but alas no one was
in sight. I broke
out in a cold sweat
and decided to plead
the Fifth Amendment.
After all, if a
criminal can refuse
to speak, why can’t
I?
Unfortunately this
had a very negative
effect upon the
entire situation as
she took my attempts
to refuse to answer
as an indication
that indeed she did
look old and needed
to do something to
her hair. My
attempts to change
her mind were futile
and not well
received for the
remainder of the
afternoon. The room
chilled down to the
point where I needed
more logs on the
fire. My political
capital account had
just been
bankrupted.
I would have been in
the doghouse for the
remainder of the
weekend had it not
been for stroke of
good luck. I soon
gave up trying to
read and was in the
den with her trying
to smile and make
complimentary
remarks to regain my
previous position.
She was watching
some old movie from
the 40’s…she gets up
and goes to the
kitchen to get some
coffee and while
she’s gone what do
you think happens?
The female lead in
the movie says to
the male lead…”What
do you think of my
hair?” I immediately
sit up straight and
wait for his answer,
which I have to
admit was
brilliant. He
says…”I like it the
way it is, but there
are so many
interesting
possibilities. Why?
Were you thinking of
changing it?”
Is this divine
intervention or
what? Here is my
answer. I carefully
wait a couple of
hours and slyly tell
her that I’ve been
thinking about what
she asked me earlier
in the day about her
hair…then I repeat
what I had heard in
the old movie. I am
expecting a smile
and reinstatement.
Not to be fooled,
she says….”That’s
wonderful, but I
heard that line from
the kitchen…nice
try.”
So much for my
valiant attempt…. I
cannot help but
think a course in
school on how to
deal with these
types of important
issues would be of
much more value than
memorizing the year
Columbus discovered
America. 1492 is one
thing…. today is
another story
entirely.
