After
fifteen long years of writing these columns,
I’m sad to report this will probably be my
last.
Yes,
friends, my ship has finally arrived. I’ve
hit the big time. Sayonara to work and
toiling at the daily grind. I’ll send you
cards as soon as I get settled in my new
mansion, perhaps in the south of France or
somewhere exotic. You might want to visit me
sometime. I’ll put out my address and number
as soon as I get settled in.
My
options are still open since I haven’t made
up my mind where I want to retire.
Unlike
a lot of you out there who have saved and
saved, I always had a feeling my number
would come up and I’d strike it rich. I’ve
kept this secret to myself, but now that
virtual fortune has found me, I can share it
with you. That’s the kind of person that I
am.
Generous to a fault.
You
see, I am holding in my hands three, count
‘em, three….letters from 3 different people
in Africa who trust me so much they have
contacted me to help them transfer some
money out of their countries. The total
amount on these letters is a startling 55.7
million American dollars. Yes, friends and
most all of this loot is designated to be
mine, all mine. Obviously these people have
carefully screened no telling how many other
individuals and have found me worthy of
their trust.
The
first letter is from a Mrs. Serena Jones who
lives in Kuwait. Mrs. Jones has graciously
advised me that her late husband, Dr. Jones,
has left some 28 million in cash sitting in
a vault in Europe and she wants me to have
it. I simply cannot believe my luck. Imagine
some widow lady over in Kuwait with access
to over 28 million and she just picked me
out as a nice guy who seems worthy of
receiving it. I don’t know what to say. She
says she wants me to take this money and use
it for good, worthy and charitable causes.
No strings attached. Just call her or her
attorney at once to get all of the details
on this stroke of luck. This has to be for
real, since she says her attorney is
currently in West Africa doing some
research. I called the number listed but
found it was to some answering machine in
Ohio. Ohio? Well, they must have misprinted
the number in my letter. Surely, that’s the
reason. Yeah, that must be it.
The
next one is from Mrs. Elizbeth Taylor, the
wife of the former president of Liberia. She
writes to tell me that her husband will give
me 18% of the 20 million in cash he has
hidden. I can also have the entire contents
of another trunk, which is filled with gold.
I know this one has to be for real, since
she says she will send me a picture of the
gold if I ask for it. The gold is in a bank
in Ghana and all I have to do is tell them
to ship it to me and they will send it to
the US of A with my name on it disguised as
‘ordinary luggage.’ Isn’t this exciting?
Imagine, a trunk with 20 mill in cash and
another one loaded with gold just waiting
for me at the airport. But wait…what’s this…
no phone number? It goes on to say I’m
supposed to reply in an e-mail and one of
her ‘loyalist personages’ will be in contact
with me. I’ll have to think about this one.
My
last one to review is from a Mr. Faso Kouma
of the International Bank of Africa. This
very prestigious letter is from a branch
bank of the IBA in the country of Burkina
Faso. Now, I had no idea where the country
of Burkina Faso was located, so I checked on
the Internet. I found out it’s the old
country formally known as Upper Volta. Not
much help there. I then find that it’s a
small land locked country slap dab in the
middle of Africa. It strikes me odd that the
person writing to me, Mr. Faso has the same
name as the country. Must just be a
coincidence. I’m sure the International Bank
of Africa (IBA) wouldn’t allow any hanky
panky, would you? Anyway, Mr. Faso has 7.2
million lying over there in a dormant
account, which belonged to some poor person
who died in a plane crash. Imagine my luck,
all I have to do to get 30% of this cash is
to send them a document saying I am a
relative of the dearly departed dead person.
It doesn’t specify what the name of my
relative needs to be, so I suppose that’s
not very important. Then they do mention
that I also need to include something called
the routing and account numbers from my
check account. Their letter explains they
need this information so they will know
where to send the total amount of the money.
They will then come back to me at some later
date in the future to collect their 70%.
This is supposed to be very ‘top secret’.
They give out their phone number as well.
The country code is 226. No fool I, so I
decide this time I’ll look up the country
code on the Internet just to see if this
really is the correct area code for the
country of Burkina Faso.
Oh,
no!!…When I type in country code 226 into
a search engine, a web site comes up for the
FBI warning me that there is a scam going
around and all of this is a lie. They even
have an exact copy of the letter I received
posted on their web page. I am shocked. I am
depressed. There goes my retirement plans
out the window.
I
wonder if I could take these letters to the
bank and use them as collateral for a loan?
You don’t think they’ve heard about any of
this do you?
