The young lady standing in front of me at the
ATM machine was shifting nervously from one foot
to the other. She was obviously waiting for her
male companion to finish his transaction.
While I’m waiting, I attempt to make light
hearted conversation by telling her …”Surely
you’re not cashing a check, let him pay your
way…that’s what dating is all about…” She looks
back at me and smiles with a look in her eyes of
age way beyond her years.
She tells me…“It’s sad to say, but it doesn’t
work that way anymore, today it’s a fifty-fifty
world we live in” and with that she and the guy
hop in their car and drive off. I give her a
wave and she smiles and waves back, lost in
thought.
My wife and I are on our way out of town to an
anniversary party given in honor of some friends
of ours who have been married for forty years.
During the drive I begin to think about the
differences our society has gone through in
those forty years from then until now.
What the young lady said to me is probably true;
today’s relationships are all too often viewed
as being fifty-fifty, when in reality they need
to be one hundred and ten to hundred and ten. In
fact each side has to contribute one hundred and
ten to one hundred and ten percent if it has a
chance to work for any length of time.
Our society has adopted the same attitudes
toward relationships as we have to fast food.
Hurry, hurry, hurry… if we don’t like it…we’ll
go someplace different. We have become an
instant gratification nation committed to the
premise of total personal happiness without any
long term commitments. We have become a
disposable society. If this doesn’t work, so
what? I can always get another one. Our media
pounds us with daily doses of ‘you can have it
now…’ and ‘have it your way’. We are bombarded
with more information than we need about the
lifestyles of the rich and famous who move from
one relationship to another in the wink of an
eye. Today’s true love is tomorrow’s court
combatant. It makes you wonder if we are
becoming a world incapable of true love. Is it
possible for the youth of today to ever really
know the meaning of love without understanding
what goes with it? Even more important, what is
required of both parties?
My wife and I attended the party and had a great
time, later on that evening we were in our hotel
room talking about what it is that keeps people
together for long periods of time. We summed it
up in three words, concern, communication and
commitment. Having attended a wedding the week
before we were able to think about what we
heard in the wedding ceremony and then look
forward into the future to see if the kids we
saw married last weekend will stay together as
long as our anniversary friends this weekend.
The wedding vows tell us that we are to be
together “in sickness and in health”. That’s
concern for one another. When people are dating,
the nasty aspects of life rarely come into play.
People who have been married know what ‘sickness
and in health’ means’. It means fevers, vomit,
hospitals, worries along with joy and
happiness…all rolled into one. If you have
children it means worrying when they get sick or
hurt and crying in relief because the doctor
comes out and tells you they’ll be ok. It means
holding hands and staying in there when one of
you is facing death or a long term recovery from
an illness.
We hear the words…’for better or for worse’ when
people stand up to get married. That takes
communication. For a marriage to survive, both
parties must be honest and truthful with one
another. If you’re broke, then you’re broke…get
on with your life and figure out how you can
survive. If you’re scared, and who isn’t from
time to time? Then admit it to one another and
think about those words you spoke…marriage isn’t
just about the good times, it’s about the bad as
well. I sometimes think we are the closest when
the tough times come around. Relationships have
to have a strong sense of communication to
weather the storms of life if they are going to
survive. You can’t have flowers without the
rain.
The final word is commitment. In the marriage
vows the phrase is expressed as ‘till death do
we part.’ That’s commitment. That’s long term
commitment, not just for week, month or a year,
but for life. To look someone in the eye and
verbally express in front of other witnesses
that you will love and honor this person till
death do you part takes a lot of wiliness to
commit to making a marriage work.
Our long time married friends are an example and
an inspiration to us that we should respect and
admire. Marriage is not all wine and roses,
sometimes its vinegar and weeds. But for it to
work, as it has for our friends, then we must
enter into relationships with one another for
the long haul and an eye on the goal, years and
years away, not just for tomorrow.
John and Carol…good job, well done.
