Seems
to me there should be a law requiring all newly
married couples to attend some sort of sensitivity
training. In my opinion, we need to do a better
job of teaching these youngsters what to watch for
as they progress through their married lives.
Our public and private schools do an inadequate
job of preparing the youth of today for the
responsibilities associated with the complexities
of married and family life.
As a long time married father and husband I get
called on fairly often to mediate, if you will, on
certain matters as they arise concerning issues
which seem to confound the members of today’s
modern families.
For example, first time fathers to be often
approach me with questions on how to handle their
very pregnant wives. The first thing I tell them
is to keep repeating over and over….”You are so
beautiful…. You are so beautiful….” Do not under
any circumstances, no matter how many times you
are asked…ever, ever mention anything about their
shape or weight gain. This is tantamount to a
declaration of war. Just wear a grin and smile, it
will soon be over and you don’t want to say
something she will remember for the rest of your
married lives. Trust me on this. Do not mumble or
mutter. Even if you are mumbling to yourself, she
will think you are saying something about the way
she looks and you will be guilty by association.
This is not good. You have to realize that at this
point in time, their hormones are going bonkers.
In the space of fifteen seconds they can go from
euphoria to blue funk depression and back again
for no reason other than something as simple as
your asking…”Do you want an ice cream?” Jokes are
out. Do you hear me? Jokes are out. You cannot
joke around during these nine months. You must not
make any snide remarks, no matter how innocent
about someone being overweight or unattractive.
This is a subconscious psychological indicator to
her that YOU think SHE is overweight and
unattractive. If you talk in your sleep, stick a
sock in your mouth or do something to prevent you
from speaking out during these trying times. She
will hear ever word, every syllable and remember
everything you said during the night. You will be
held accountable for it at some time in the
future. Perhaps not the next day but soon, very
soon. At that time she will ask what you meant
when you said the words….”Look, it’s a rat.” four
months ago…in her mind the word rat rhymes with
fat and therefore she knows what you were dreaming
about. Don’t deny it, just apologize and keep
saying over and over…”You’re so beautiful….” You
might need flowers for something like this. You
might consider a part time job at a florist so you
can get the discounts.
Once the baby arrives, prepare yourself for a new
culture. First off, grown women revert to a
persona that men cannot identify with after the
baby is born. You will notice that each noun will
be preceded with the word ‘little’. As an example,
“Oh, look at her little feet…or her little eyes…
or isn’t that the cutest little outfit?”
Everything for the next ten years will be
‘little’. You will need more closet space. Lots
more. Get prepared. For the first year or so,
babies can’t get up and do very much on their own
so a minimum of clothes are needed. That’s my
opinion if you ask me, but then again no one asked
me. So what happens? The baby gets this tremendous
load of ‘little’ pants, shirts, blouses and
something called rompers. If they started working
in a mine at the age of six months and changed
into a new outfit a day, it would still take them
years to run out of new things to wear. These
small newly minted humans cannot walk, but tell
that to the shoe makers and baby stores. They have
‘little’ jogging shoes, ‘little’ dress shoes,
‘little’ tennis shoes. It would make sense to me
to make these out of paper or cardboard. I can’t
understand why they even have soles on them since
the kid can’t walk anyway, so why make them out of
leather?… they won’t ever hit the ground. Don’t
try to persuade your wife that a new baby does not
need expensive leather shoes. THIS IS A BIG NO NO.
For the sake of your marriage, treat the pair your
child was wearing when they made their first step
as if they were gold. Don’t lose them. You will
regret it if you do so. Your wife needs to be able
to put her finger on those shoes when she is
ninety years old. This action is also not able to
be understood by men, so don’t even try it.
You will also be subjected to a phenomenon called
a ‘shower’. Now contrary to what you might think
this isn’t a ritualistic bath, but a sort of party
where you might be asked to leave. Act shocked and
hurt, but leave anyway. Trust me on this. If you
are asked to stay, make certain there will be
other male friends in captivity as well. Otherwise
you may have to put up with several hours of women
discussing ‘little’ articles of clothing as well
as speaking in a tone of voice several octaves
higher than normal. I cannot explain this, but
have observed it many times and am always amazed
at how perfectly grown young and old women revert
to a foreign language when it comes to talking to
a new baby.
So, to sum it all up. Do not hum or mumble. Do not
comment on other people and the way they look. Act
shocked when you are asked to be gone during the
shower. Be prepared to build or buy a larger house
‘for the children’. Get another better paying job
since you will need it for all of those ‘little’
shoes which cost as much as those you are
currently wearing.
Next time we’ll take a look at how women react to
men and some of their (men’s) strange habits.
