A
couple of years ago, I wrote an article about all
of the trouble you had to go through just to buy a
carton of orange juice. There was juice with pulp,
juice with no pulp, juice with some pulp, juice
with lots of pulp and then there was juice with
almost no pulp at all, but with calcium. Let’s
stop with that…ok?
So, here I am at the store the other day and I
decided to be a nice guy and buy my wife just a
card that said something like…”Thinking of
you…wanted you to know it…I love you” or something
close to it.
Do you think they have anything even close to
that? Of course not, they have birthday,
anniversary, sympathy, belated birthday,
graduation, Saint Patrick’s Day, get well soon
cards of every shape and size. You want one that
says you’re sorry someone died? They got it. You
want to give money to your nephew because he
graduated from kindergarten? You can buy one.
They’ve got just about every thing you might need
except just some plain old “Thanks for being
married to me and putting up with my.
……personality” type of greeting cards.
I came home and started thinking about it. Perhaps
the thing to do would be to design a new series of
cards for those little moments in life that we all
have where men say or do things that just defy
explaining.
Those men out there who have been married for any
length of time are very much aware of what I am
referring to. Women are aware of this as well.
For example, men desperately need cards to explain
such things as:
“I’m sorry I said that new dress made your butt
look too big…it did, but I should have been more
sensitive and kept my mouth shut.”
“Please forgive for asking if you were
accidentally electrocuted after you had just had
your hair done, I should be more sensitive and
kept my mouth shut.”
“I need to apologize for making fun of your dinner
last night. It was lovely; I just wasn’t expecting
squid and okra omelets. Next time I’ll try to be
more sensitive.”
“Your driving is fine, how could you have known
that truck you ran into was stopped at the light
on purpose? Next time, I’ll try and be more
sensitive.”
“I’m really, really sorry for what I said about
your Mother. I know it isn’t much of an excuse but
I was somewhat surprised to hear that that she is
planning on moving into our apartment with us.
Next time I promise to be more sensitive.”
“Sure you make good coffee, but I just thought
mine tasted…. well, anyway I should be more
sensitive next time you want to brew up a
pot…seriously.”
“No, no, really I’d love to go to the opera,
ballet, symphony (fill in the blank) rather than
watch the World Series…. honestly, who cares about
some old ball game…? Men in tights and funny shoes
are much more entertaining…. Next time I’ll listen
to you and be much more sensitive, really.”
As you can tell, the reoccurring theme here is
sensitivity. Men are in desperate need of this
emotion, which we apparently missed when they were
being handed out on conception day or whatever day
we got those things. The only thing I can figure
out is the line wasn’t clearly marked and we
didn’t stop and ask for directions. Another
missing gene that would need another entire column
to explain.
Men think differently than women. We fail to see
the relationship between women spending money on
something like…new china…”What… you bought new
dishes? What’s wrong with the plastic ones we’ve
been using since we got married?” and men’s need
for a new bass boat or hunting lease…”It’s an
investment…”
In our minds, women buy things and men invest in
things. There is a world of difference here.
“That new rod and reel will be worth a lot of
money …someday.”
“You won’t be able to buy a boat like that in five
years.”
“You won’t get much for those new curtains…ten
years from now.”
“What’s wrong with our couches? after twenty
years…they’re just now getting broken in.”
Men try to explain what we mean when we say things
that come out our mouths all wrong. But we only
end up getting deeper and deeper in trouble. It’s
what I call the ‘Male quicksand’ syndrome. The
more we try to explain our position or our
thoughts, the deeper in trouble we sink. There
might be some evidence here of a missing link
between our thought patterns and our ability to
speak.
I believe the greeting card companies are missing
a huge market out here by overlooking this niche
in our culture. I don’t think men are insensitive
on purpose, I just think we are what I’d
call…’sensitivity challenged’. If you don’t
believe me look at the cards you get from men and
women. The ones I get from other guys have at
most, two or three lines of wording on them…always
something with a sure fire greeting such as."
Happy birthday you old…” or something equally
simple…
On the other hand those you get from females take
up three and four pages of text. Cards you get
from men, you can read in the dark because the
letters are so large. The cards you get from women
have to read with a magnifying glass, in full
sunlight or with all of the lights on since they
have these verses that go on and on and on forever
and forever…
Oops, I didn’t mean to say that about the card you
got me for our anniversary…next time I’ll try and
remember to be more sensitive…
Maybe, I can just find a blank one and write in
what I need to say…can you hire a ghostwriter for
something like this? Call me; I need one on a
regular basis.