“Crime
does not pay … as well as politics.” By Alfred E.
Newman
Seems to me that Alfred
E. Newman was that weird little guy from the old Mad
Magazine comic books. Even though he is a fictional
character, he sure got it right this time. Here we are
at the beginning of the national political season once
again. As Americans we can eagerly look forward to
another round of vigorous mud slinging, back stabbing,
lying, cheating and scandal as the two candidates get
under way once again in their pursuit to lead this
country. We’ll probably get all of the aforementioned
within the first sixty days or so, leaving us another
seven months to mull over which candidate is the most
convincing in their efforts to sway the undecided
voters in our nation.
Don’t be fooled into
thinking it’s the Republicans or the Democrats who
will decide who will lead us for the next four years
because it isn’t. The Democrats will exercise their
votes for their candidate no matter what. The
Republicans likewise. Those who voted for Bill Clinton
and then Al Gore aren’t any more likely to vote for
George W. Bush than a man in the moon.
Likewise the die-hard
Bush camp won’t vote for John Kerry under any
circumstances.
No, the deciding vote in
this election will be those who are currently
undecided. Those are the votes that will make the
difference. Those are the voters the advertisements
each party will be courting for the next nine; count
‘em, nine months until November gets here.
So, just sit tight and
get yourself prepared to see nothing but political
posturing along with family pictures with lots of dogs
and ‘the little people’. Then you’ll see long shots of
various candidates looking as if in deep concentration
over some worldwide dilemma in which their decision
might just mean the end of human existence, as we know
it. In addition we have to survive the debates and the
interviews with all of the networks talking heads.
Now, some of these I find amusing since they ask
questions, which are impossible to answer or for any
normal person to be prepared to handle.
These are along the
lines of:
Interviewer (I): “So, if
you’re elected President how would you handle the
effects of an oncoming collision with an asteroid the
size of Rhode Island?”
Potential contender
(PC): “I’m glad you asked that question, Chet…I’ve
prepared a study (unrolls a large chart) showing what
we should do under my leadership once I’m elected.”
I: “Your chart is
blank….”
PC: (Looking astonished)
“Well, so it is Roger, that’s because my Blue Ribbon
Select Asteroid Emergency committee is developing an
exit strategy for Rhode Island as we speak, something
my worthy opponent hasn’t even started to think about.
We’ll unveil our twenty five point plan in December.”
I: “But, that’s a month
after the election.”
PC: “Of course, it is….
Mike; you can’t expect us to announce this daring new
and innovative idea BEFORE the election can you? Our
worthy, but slimy opponent might steal it and try to
use it for themselves.
I: “Moving on, can you
share with us your vision for improving the economy in
this country?”
PC: “I’m so glad you
asked that question, Dan, which is one very
intelligent question that deserves an answer.”
Time passes. Nothing but
silence from the continually smiling, pointing and
waving candidate.
I: “I’m sorry but I
didn’t hear your answer.”
PC: “Well, Tom, without
telling you too much of our plans ahead of time, I
will say to you that when I am elected we will be able
to add another 400 million new jobs to our current
economy. This should bring us back to full prosperity
and make us the envy of the free world.”
I: “That’s a very
ambitious plan, but we only have a current population
of about 285 million people in the entire country,
where would you get all of the people to fill those
jobs?”
PC: “Well, Peter…that’s
a secret you and the rest of the country will just
have to wait to hear about…but I will tell you this,
consider what would happen if we annexed both India
and China. All of those jobs would be ours once again.
This is a bold new vision for America.”
I: “Yes, well, I suppose
we’ll just have to wait to see how all of that shakes
out…. One final thing, sir do you plan on debating
your opponent?”
PC: “I’m so glad you
asked that… Andy, we have asked the other side for a
debate to be held each and every night before the
election, but so far they have not responded to our
challenge. It just goes to show you they are yellow
liver lilied cowards of the first order and cannot or
will not respect the will of the American people.”
So there you have it
folks, some nine months from now, it will all be over.
The same time it takes for a baby to be conceived and
born.
There’s a thought….
Be good to yourselves….
