More
bad news on the health front. It has just come to my attention
that a new government survey released just this week has proven
once and for all that, hold on…are you ready for this? ICE CREAM
IS FATTENING. Yes, folks I hate to burst your bubble, but for
those of you out there who have been rolling merrily along
eating a few half gallons of good old cookies and cream each
week you will be sad to learn you are killing yourselves.
According to this revealing information JUST RELEASED, ice cream
contains a lot of FAT. Why, according to the latest survey…
eating just one cone has about the same amount of fat as a steak
and loaded baked potato. So, consider yourselves warned. Don’t
blame me if your arteries are clogged and look like 150-year-old
sewer pipes. It’s on your head at this point; if you eat large
amounts of ice cream you will most likely gain weight and become
fat. Or at least something like that according to this latest
report. Before long I suppose we will have to be exposed to some
sort of warning labels on every half-gallon we buy at the local
store. ‘WARNING…eating this product has been shown to cause
WEIGHT GAIN in laboratory rats. This product is ADDICTIVE” We
might even be forced to sign for ice cream purchases at the
store, like in the old days for some medications. In fact it
could get so bad that you’d have to have a prescription for ice
cream.
A sample conversation could go like this: “Well, Mr. Perry, it
says here that you are allowed one half gallon for the month,
here you’re trying to get this filled and it’s only been ten
days.”
“I know,
Doc…but I just gotta have it…. you don’t understand…I NEED IT!”
The usually
friendly pharmacist steps back from the counter, narrows his
eyes and looks at me with a disgusted look…”You mean Mr. Perry
you’ve allowed yourself to become ADDICTED to ice cream?”
Pretty soon you
resort to petty crimes, such as stealing cones from kids on the
playground. You snicker at the thought. Oh, yes at first it
seems harmless enough, but that’s how it starts. A cone here, a
cone there and then pretty soon you’ll want two scoops. Then a
cup and then you get hooked and you’ll want a sundae on Monday,
Tuesday and everyday thereafter. You can’t help yourself. You’ve
become an ice cream fiend. Your body screams for ice cream. You
scream, we scream, we all scream for ice cream. (I’ve waited for
years to be able to write this in someplace)
You try to
break your habit, but find it impossible to do so. You’ve lost
your willpower when it comes to Cookie Dough. Your weight goes
out of sight. You have lost control of yourself. You think of
nothing but nutty bars and ice cream sandwiches. You are caught
hiding pints of ice cream in the office refrigerator. You get
fired and become a homeless person, living on the edge of
reality standing on a corner with a sign that says something
like…”Will work for Banana Nut.” You hang out next to the Baskin
Robins stores hoping someone will go off and leave a partially
filled cup or cone on the table. The local cops have you pegged
as an informer who will turn anyone in for just three scoops of
chocolate chip.
Finally your
ex-wife finds you and talks you into getting some help. You
check into a de-tox center for a month or so where they wean you
off slowly, ever so slowly. First they cut back on real cream,
and then go to ice milk, and then finally you’re down to sherbet
and yogurt. Then sorbet. You can never go back.
You’ve done it,
you’ve graduated. You’re back in the family again. You can look
at a bowl of Rocky Road square in the eye and walk away knowing
you’ll never fall from grace again. Oh, you might have to make
some meetings of ICA (Ice Cream Anonymous) but you have
conquered all, you are a survivor. Hold your head up high, walk
proud. Now if we could just get you to stop eating bacon.
