I
tend to think of this weekly column as carrying a certain amount
of responsibility to keep you, the loyal reader informed of
certain points of interest as they become available, no matter
where in the world they occur. To me, it’s a sacred trust and
one that I do not take lightly. It’s a heavy burden to
voluntarily place upon one’s self, this universal omnibudsman
role for the benefit of those unfortunates in our country who
might otherwise remain in the dark about vital information that
certainly affects each and every one of us. A case in point is
this one which I happened to stumble upon while conducting my
weekly research for your enlightenment.
The University of Georgia has just completed a long and through
study which shows conclusively that rats exposed to marijuana
lose their sense of perception. Yes, these dedicated scientists,
working feverishly, working long and arduous hours in cramped
conditions have proved once and for all that when rats are
exposed to an injection of synthetic marijuana they become (are
you ready for this?) DOPEY.
This experiment was conducted in the strictest of environments
by using two different sounds. If the short sound was heard, the
rats had to press the lever on the right to receive a pellet of
food. If the long sound was heard by our furry inmates, they
soon learned to press the lever on the left. Short sound, right
lever. Long sound, left lever. Got it? Good. You can be assured
you would have been fed. The rats did fine under this
arrangement.
And then, guess what? Yes, dear reader the good old US
Government stepped in and authorized a study to find out if the
behavior of these little animals would be altered in any way if
they were stoned. And what do you think they found?
That’s right boys and girls. The little mice just went bonkers
and didn’t care at all about which lever they pressed when the
horns went off. Except when they got the munchies. Can you
imagine that? They pressed the right lever when the long sound
was made and the left lever when the short sound was made. Isn’t
that the most amazing thing you’ve ever heard? Once they were
smashed out of their little gourds they didn’t care if they ate
or not. They got confused. Happy, but confused, nevertheless.
The point of all of this was to determine if animals have a
sense of time. Obviously any animal (human or rodent) stoned on
grass loses track of time and cannot concentrate. Not that rats
and mice have to be anywhere at some specific time anyway, but I
suppose it’s good to know they couldn’t be relied upon in the
event we needed them for some important national security issue
or something. One of the researchers was quoted as saying “We
and other animals have a sense of time. We can judge how long we
have been waiting for a bus, for example, and decide that the
current wait is longer or shorter than usual.” He went on to
say…”The marijuana-like substance dramatically altered the
ability of the rats to maintain sustained attention. The
implication is clear, that marijuana smokers shouldn’t drive
after smoking.”
He didn’t elaborate on who should or shouldn’t drive. Rats or
us? I’m also confused about the bus part. I haven’t taken a bus
in quite a long time, so I can’t tell you from first hand
experience, but have rats taken to riding the Metro in parts of
this country?
Boy, am I glad we spent a ton of taxpayer bucks to make a study
of this magnitude. Not to be cynical, but I wonder what happens
to those rats if you make them chug down, say four or five vodka
martinis? They probably need to call a taxi. Friends don’t let
rats drive, do they? I’m looking into the possibilities of a
federal grant to study the effects of obesity in ferrets if they
eat forty hot dogs a day for a month. I’ll keep you posted on my
progress.
