So, every so
many months my local paper comes out with a diagram of the night
sky. Now, the theory behind this is that I am supposed to put
this paper thing in front of me at around 11pm while facing
north. Then I’m instructed to look at the diagram and if I
orientate both my position and the paper diagram properly (which
I can’t see, because it’s dark outside) then all of the wonders
of the night sky should be revealed to me. Right…For one thing,
I can’t see the paper and each time I use a flashlight my night
vision goes away so it takes me fifteen minutes to be able to
identify anything smaller than the moon. After a while I decide
to call it quits and try again some other night.
However, in
reading over all of this stuff I notice a couple of things I
feel deserve commenting upon. Number one I have is where are all
of the women’s rights groups and why haven’t they gotten in on
this and raised a big stink? Nearly all of these constellations
and planets are named after men. Hercules, Orion, Leo, The Great
Bear, Mercury, Mars. We do have a few in honor of women, such as
Venus, but not any named Joan or Patsy, much less J-Lo or
Christina out there that I can find. Besides looking at perhaps
the consideration of renaming the heavens to be more gender
considerate I propose we also give some serious thought to
renaming some of the star formations. It’s very difficult for me
to pick out the “water snake” or the “water carrier” as well as
“the hunter”. It’s my humble opinion that these names should be
cast aside and put into the past where they belong.
No, let’s move
forward into the future and form some sort of international
committee to rename the constellations with better and more
politically correct designations. I have no idea, nor do I think
anyone else does of who played the first game of connect the
dots and thought these random points of light formed an image
such as a lion, scorpion or whatever. Some of these descriptions
leave a lot to be desired unless you were imbibing of the grape.
This might explain the history of these star charts in the first
place. Some ancient man by the name of Luigi or Brutus was most
likely sailing from point A to point B and dipped into the wine
bucket a tad too much causing him to spend the night on the deck
looking skyward. Joined by several boon companions, they
probably looked up at the sky and in their altered state decided
something like…”Hey that looks like a snake to me. Can you see
it?” To which one of the others would say something intelligent
like…”Yeah…Wow.” Then the first thing you’d know, some other
fool would pull out a piece of charcoal and parchment or
whatever and make a drawing of the sky. This original drawing
made in a drunken stupor by four of five stoned sailors has been
in our culture for literally thousands of years. I say, it’s
time to rise up and set the record straight with a new vision.
In the interest
of humanity I have taken it upon myself to remap the heavens.
Not a small feat, I can assure you. For the past several weeks I
have devoted my weekend nights to lying on my front lawn while
consuming several different types of spirits in order to obtain
the proper mood. So, far I have not succeeded in mapping the
entire heavenly sky, only a small portion of it. I could use
your help and assistance, since my wife is losing her patience
with me sleeping in the flowerbeds instead of her bed. . I have
managed to diagram out several new constellations, which I plan
on submitting to that international committee. How do these new
and more contemporary names strike you? Andre the plumber….
Madonna… Lexus…Charles the programmer… France… Quiche… and my
all time favorite…Starbucks. Since the sky is so large and the
possibilities so endless, help me out here. Go out this weekend,
get yourself and small container of some pleasant adult beverage
and lay out on your yard and try and figure out some new names
for all of those stars up there. Let me know what you come up
with.
