Now
that the war in Iraq has started to wind down, it’s time we
turned our attention to some more serious matters. Such as
….just how do we find those weapons of mass destruction which we
believe to be hidden away somewhere in that country?
The previous UN
inspection teams left a lot to be desired with the manner in
which they conducted the inspections. Of course, the news
reports may be incorrect, but it appeared to me that these
inspectors were not just showing up at some suspected place
unannounced, but being led to various locations by members of
the Iraqi government. Not the best method to be used, in my
opinion.
Anyway, I was
about to go off into what alternate methods could be employed
when the following was sent to me via my e-mail from some
unidentified person. She makes a good argument. Here is her
solution:
Have you
noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have
arrived in Iraq? They’re all men!
How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to
find Saddam’s stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when
it comes to finding things. For crying’ out loud! Men can’t find
the dirty clothes hamper. Men can’t find the jar of jelly until
it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor…. and
these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden
weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups
of mothers weren’t sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets
quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.
Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic
beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and
one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar
has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been
shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your
breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell
cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a
mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if
a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an
offender’s eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So…
considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection
team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely
on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would
walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the
ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any
weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to
lie to her. She’d march him down the street to some secret
bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh,
and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump!
Whap! Whap! Whap! And she’d lay some stripes across his bare
bottom with that soup spoon, and then march him home in front of
the whole of Baghdad. He’d not only come clean and apologize for
lying about it, he’d cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the
whole damn summer. Inspectors my fanny… You want the job done?
Call my mother. She makes a good argument, doesn’t she?
One other thing
to consider. Since we are unsure of the whereabouts of Saddam
and his henchmen, why not do this…assign the task of locating
them to a number of telemarketing companies….they can find
anyone. Once they got him on the line to discuss the advantages
of their long distance service or a lower interest rate on his
palace mortgages, it should be an easy thing to trace the call
and send over a couple of tomahawk missiles to get this entire
matter wrapped up.
