4 15 03

So,
a few weeks ago I wrote a column about the hassle involved in
trying to cancel a cell phone account. I received a nice reply
from a lady who worked for one of the larger cell phone
companies who told me that all companies aren’t the same. I
admit I haven’t checked all of them out, so she may very well be
correct in her statements. Apparently some providers are trained
to be courteous and helpful if and when you do need to cancel or
discontinue service. I suppose it pays to shop around and find
one who seems more user friendly than others. I don’t have any
clues as to how to go about doing that, so you are on your own
with this part of it.

 

Now, if you think canceling a mobile phone is tough, try getting
money from your mutual fund account. I think you could get the
launch codes for nuclear missiles easier than getting them to
send you a check for some of your money. The do have neat web
sites with tons of information on how you can deposit money to
them. These sites can tell you where to send your money, no
questions asked.

 

Now, try and find someplace that tells you how to get your money
that you have deposited into your account. They don’t have any
place on the web site, no listing in their monthly reports,
nothing on their home page. Don’t even think of looking for
something called…”Give me my money” on your statement. It isn’t
there. Once you have made the mistake of actually putting money
into their fund, which was achieving unbelievable returns until
you joined and now the returns are displayed with a minus sign
each month, they aren’t going to easily hand over your cash. No
sir. You can find this information in some obscure file called
“redemption” rights. This section can be accessed by working
your way through multiple web pages, all of which tell you the
advantages of being a smart and thrifty saver. Be aware, these
pages have a tendency to just disappear when you working your
way through them and relocate you into something totally unknown
such as a database of recipes in Somalia.

 

Once you find your way into the part that tells you how to close
your account, you have to answer a series of some twenty
questions. These are comparable to the Riddle of the Sphinx.
What’s your mother’s maiden name? Your social security number?
Your date of birth? The amount of your last deposit? Your first
grade teachers name after she remarried? How many angels can
dance on the head of a pin? Who shot J.R.? The last one is the
famous….”What’s it all about. Alfie?” They look at your age and
if you’re old enough to remember Peggy Lee, then you might get
asked what she meant in her song titled…”Is that all there is?”
If you do manage to get through most of these and then mistype
some word or hit the space button once too many times, the whole
screen explodes and then you have to go back to the beginning
and start all over. You can’t just backspace and make your
correction. Nope, no, nada… won’t happen. Must go back to square
one, don’t pass go, and start all over. That’ll teach you to
make a mistake and try to get your money out of your account.
Once it’s in there…forget it, it belongs to them or so they
think. I’ve gone back and done some intensive research and found
that a number of famous bank robberies have actually been
committed by people who tried to get their money out and were
unsuccessful.