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I’m
not certain if it’s morbid to do this or not, but I find myself
checking out the obituaries every morning as I read the news.
I’m always relieved to find that I’m not listed on the pages. So
far I’ve managed to escape. But you know what’s really amazing
to me as I read this notices is how many of them say something
like…”He expired” or “He passed on”. Expiring means to me that
you didn’t get renewed, doesn’t it to you? I mean, if you had
been more alert you might not have expired. You might have
gotten renewed and then you’d still be with us, wouldn’t you?
Perhaps you didn’t get the notice and so you couldn’t have
renewed. Maybe not getting the notice was God’s way of telling
you that you weren’t going to be renewed. That’ll keep you on
your toes, won’t it? “He passed on” sounds like you just got up
and left town or something, doesn’t it? “Yep, he was here last
week, but then he passed on.” Or one I really like is…"He died
unexpectedly.” Don’t we all? I mean it’s not like anyone was
actually expecting to die that day, were they? When I go, you
can just put down that “He died” or maybe…”He’s out of here.” I
don’t care, I’m not going to read it anyway, and so you can say
what you want.
What I want to say is that I wish leaving this life was as
difficult as some of the challenges of this life. Have you ever
tried to cancel your cell phone? Let me tell you, you’ll grow
old just trying to do it. You could end up on the lists I
mentioned above. Those folks are like bulldogs. I ended up
having one I never used and started trying to find out how to
cancel the service. Look on their website, you’ll find oodles of
information on how to change your service, enhance your service,
add to your service and upgrade your service. What you won’t
find is a place on here to cancel your service. Nope… in order
to do this, you have to call a number and then listen to a voice
tell you “We are experiencing a large amount of call volume at
this time, please hang up and call back later.” Then the phone
goes dead and you have to start the process all over again. I
think the only time they don’t have a “large amount of call
volume” is around two in the morning, but then the office is
closed…so sorry try again between the hours of nine to five
Eastern Time. If you do manage to get into the system, their
labyrinth of voice mail options will make your fingers numb
trying to dial in for the one you want. I wish they would just
announce how many options there are at each level so you would
know if the one you originally picked is the best one or not. I
hate it when you select number three and then have to listen to
twelve more options thinking there may be another one that best
describes what you need, only you find out there isn’t and then
you forgot which one you picked first. This means you have to
start all over again. Or how about the ones where you aren’t
sure if your problem fits into option three or five? So you
choose five, but nope…what you want isn’t there, so you have to
return to the main menu to start from scratch again. Most of the
time, there isn’t anything on the voice mail menu that even
comes close to describing your situation. Don’t even think about
just skipping on past and punching the “O” button in the hopes
that someone labeled an “operator” might actually speak with
you. The voice mail machine from Hell will severely admonish you
with a notice of “You have dialed an incorrect extension. Please
hang up and try your call later.” Then the phone goes ‘click’
and then the line is dead. In other words….”Ha, stupid we’re not
going to talk to you today, because you can’t stay on the phone
for five hours and actually get any work done in the same day.”
If, and I say this very carefully…. if you ever actually connect
to a real live person who works for one of these phone
companies, do not assume that you are home free, because you
aren’t. These people are trained, these people are cold, and
these people are vicious. They are paid according to the number
of persons they ‘convert’ into not changing or canceling their
services. I believe these people were trained by ex-marine drill
instructors. They want to know things about you that you
shouldn’t have to tell. They want to know why you would even
consider changing service. They’ll ask you what’s wrong with
their service. They want to know what company you are changing
to. They simply can’t believe you just don’t want the thing any
longer. They want to know your mothers name, which makes me
think someone might knock on her door in the dead of night and
scare her to death. This leads me back to the beginning of this
column. “She died unexpectedly while waiting for the operator to
come on the line.” Or “She was scared to death while answering
the door by persons unknown”.
Makes me wonder who signs up to work for this kind of a job.
Doesn’t it you?
The churches of this country could use their techniques. If you
had to call one of these folks before you changed your
membership, because you moved, you’d never get it done. You’ll
stay at the same place and listen to those tired old sad hymns
for the rest of your life.
Then you’d be in the same old place when you “expired” or you
“passed on”. Maybe you could hire someone to do this for you.
Call the phone company, not die.
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