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Dear
Mr. Investment Man:
I am writing to you as I have been told
you are the premier investment guru in the country and have
wonderful suggestions as to where I should put my money in these
volatile times. I am a single female, twenty-eight years old working
for my father’s company. Daddy says he will take care of me, but I
am still concerned. I only have about 25 million in my 401 and IRA
accounts and want to retire by the time I’m 45 years old. I don’t
own any real estate unless you count the three houses that daddy
owns here and in France. He says he is going to leave these to me
when he dies or retires, but how do I know this will happen? What do
you suggest? Signed….Lost in Peoria.
Dear Lost…..well, a fine kettle of fish
you have gotten yourself into at only twenty-eight years old. By the
time I was your age, I had almost nothing in cash and a bunch of
worthless apartments and a house I couldn’t sell or rent. I also
seem to recall owning an orange and purple Plymouth sedan that I had
gotten as a repo from a bank. I was married with children to support
and a miserable going nowhere job. You should be ashamed of yourself
allowing your personal financial situation to get into this
deplorable condition. Most young people your age are still paying
off college loans and credit cards. Being fiscally responsible
certainly isn’t going to help our sagging economy. No sir, sit right
there and allow Mr. Investment Man give you some good advice about
where to put all of your loot. Let’s look first at gold…Unless it’s
on your wrist or hanging around your neck, I’d forget it. Stocks?
Well, just look at what the markets have been doing lately. You
think I can pick winners out of that list of losers? Nope, forget
those as well. Bonds? I’m not really up on those, I do think Barry
Bonds will hit over .500 this year, if you can use that in some way
or another.
Real estate? Now, this is something I
can help you with. If I were you, I’d steer clear of owning anything
except where you live. That way you don’t have overflowing toilets,
frozen pipes, insurance claims, late payments and a host of other
problems you don’t want to even think about. Owning real estate is
akin to self-mutilation. Repairs, upkeep, calls in the night, things
that go boom when you least expect them, no… forget these as an
investment vehicle. US Treasury notes? I suppose they’re ok if you
have faith in our government and expect them to last forever.
Commodities are entirely too unreliable. I don’t know anything at
all about pork bellies, except when I buy bacon at the store and
somehow, I don’t think that will be of much help to you in your
situation. Oil and Gas?
I buy these down the street from where
we live, but still haven’t mastered how we can make any real money
playing this game. It occurs to me that your particular investment
needs are well beyond the scope of my expertise. I am somewhat of a
generalist and can’t think of anything that might fit your needs at
this stage in your life. Not wanting to be one who walks away
without being any help I have wracked my brain to come up with a
solution to be of assistance to you. It just so happens I have two
grown, unmarried sons that are about your age. To assist you, I
would like to offer their services as investment guides and or
possible soul mates, which ever might come first. They are both
handsome, bright and unemployed at this time and are free to travel
in your quest to find what it is you’re seeking. I can have their
resumes over to you tomorrow if you wish. These are clean,
wholesome, loyal, trustworthy, dedicated, smart, punctual and honest
young men who have my highest recommendation and stamp of approval.
I feel very certain either of them will be able to help you travel
all over the world to find the proper investments and assist you in
your efforts to meet your goals for early retirement. Rest assured I
shall be standing by to offer my meager efforts of support if and
when they are needed. Can you please send a photo of the home in
France? Yours truly…Mr. Investment Man…… |
