There
are a number of things I intend to do before I have to take leave
of Planet Earth. One that I do not intend to do again is buy
another television set. I hope to tell you that I think I have
purchased the last one in my lifetime. The next one that I will
use on a regular basis will probably be chained to the wall at the
HOME. I’m not going to get another one after this one. Now, what’s
all this about you might ask? Simple.
As you know, I have been gently pushing the last of our boys out
of the house for the past year or so. At 40 years old, I think
it’s time he leaves…no just kidding, he’s only 26, but it’s time.
Anyway, here he gets a job over in Houston and is moving his stuff
this weekend. One thing he doesn’t have is a television, seems his
last one got broken or something. Therefore, being the good Dad
that I am, I decide to give him our old one and buy us a new one
while I’m at it. Now, I don’t keep up with the models as they
change from year to year so I’m basically clueless as to what is
out there for sale. I do know the screens have gotten flatter and
much bigger, but aside from that, I am ignorant.
Anyway, here we go trooping off to the local
television/computer/everything electronic super store to see what
they have on sale. Naturally, when I want to buy anything, there
isn’t a sale in sight so I have to pay full boat or wait for
weeks. Not going to happen, I want this big Momma ..tonight. I
want big color, large sound and HDTV Supreme, whatever in the
world this is. I want the PIP, surround-sound and color
matching…I am going whole hog here….This is my swan song for
televisions. After paying for this huge monstrosity, they ask me
if I want it delivered, but I decline, because Mr. Impatient wants
it now, today not mañana. My first clue should have been the looks
they give me when I tell them I am taking it with me. They simply
shrug and tell me to drive up to the loading dock. The second clue
should have been when it took four good-sized fellows everything
they had to lift it into the bed of my pickup. Not to worry I
think, they are probably just being careful. I did notice that my
old truck had to strain to get up the hill to my house. Now, the
fun starts. I con one of our friends into helping me unload this
thing, bring it into the house so I can hook it up, and watch the
big picture. We both knew we were in trouble when we found we
could hardly lift it out of the truck onto the ground. If we’re
using gravity to help, what’s going to happen when we want to lift
this hunk into the house and hopefully into the cabinet?
Well, since I’m running out of room, let me just say that this
process takes about an hour as we have to stop and catch our
breath every minute or so. We can’t get the box through the door,
so we have to uncrate it out on the patio and then lift it through
the kitchen into the den. I found out later this thing weighs in
at a trim 275 pounds. Lord, will my cabinet support this and for
how long? Both of us nearly get hernias from lifting and straining
to get it into place. Then my friend shows good sense by saying he
has to leave to go to the dentist or something less painful than
what I’m asking him to do.
Anyway, here I am left to my own devices to hook up the
television, DVD player, and VCR and cable box. The instruction
manual weighs in at over 4 pounds and has diagrams looking like
something that might be useful to NASA. My wife has seen me go
through this ordeal before so she makes herself scarce and
retreats to some remote part of the house while I sort through
multiple cables, plugs and wires and wiring diagrams in my attempt
to achieve television nirvana. The ultimate goal of any person
putting all of these together is to have one (1) remote to control
everything. This is the super bowl of all hookups, the big one.
Those of you who have performed this seemingly impossible task
without a degree from MIT know that you are superior and have
achieved a level of stardom, which few can claim. I’m proud to
tell you that after several hours and many, tries of putting blue
plugs into red jacks, I made everything …do you hear me? I made
everything work like it was meant to work by the masochist
designers who wrote the manuals from hell.
Can’t touch me……I wonder if they give out Nobel Prizes for
something like this…? I need to check…..God, I’m good…….Come by
and see for yourselves…only one remote on my table. Not going to
do this again
