Last
week I believe I stopped the column by saying I would return with
a follow-up on the differences between women’s purses and men’s
wallets. I think I’ll only have enough space to cover handbags
this week. I’m beginning to wonder if there is any direct
correlation between age and the size of ladies handbags? I’ve
noticed in the past few weeks since I started to think about the
basis for this article that younger women carry very small purses
with them as they travel around.
Older, mature women tend to have larger bags with them. Handbags,
that is. Now, before you jump all over me, I’m not suggesting that
this is true in every instance but it’s just an observation. I am
required by my attorneys to insert these legal disclaimers to
clear up any confusion or hostility, particularly hostility. No, I
am thinking that the older women become, the more prepared they
happen to be for emergencies and other events that occur. Thus the
necessity for having larger purses and handbags. This is necessary
since most women don’t have pockets. Think about this, you’ll
notice the Queen of England always carries a very small purse with
her as she moves about. No reason for her to carry anything extra
as she has a ton of men standing by to help and assist her in the
event anything goes wrong. She doesn’t need Handy-Wipes for her
hands if she gets them dirty changing a flat.
She never has to change a flat. Well, most women aren’t in the
same boat as the Queen, and therefore they have learned to be
prepared for whatever should happen to come along. How many times
have you seen some lady at the checkout counter frantically
searching for her keys or her checkbook? It’s in the bag, but is
at the bottom and hard to find when she needs it. So, it’s
perfectly normal to see women dump the entire contents of her
purse out on the nearest horizontal surface to look for whatever
it is she needs. I can’t understand why purse designers don’t have
some sort of lighting system for the interior of those cavernous
contraptions so that women could actually see what’s in there
instead of peering into it like looking into the mouth of Carlsbad
Cavern. The heavy stuff, keys, glasses, checkbook all sink to the
bottom due to a well-known law of science called gravity. So in
order to find what they use the most frequent, they have to sort
through everything else.
This means you’ll likely find the normal woman carries recipes for
a piecrust she cut out of a magazine at the car wash three years
ago. Pictures of her children from the day they came out of the
hospital through college and graduate school and at the clinic
where they are now practicing medicine. Some more photographs of
some trees and a bridge somewhere in Georgia. Several unknown
telephone numbers. Many greeting cards, both new and used. The
used ones from her husband, boyfriend or children she will keep
until time stops. One or two old parking tickets from the city
where she once lived five years ago. One extra pair of broken
sunglasses. Can’t have too many of those. Receipts of every size
and description. Women keep the receipts for any purchase they
have made for at least five years. This is some unwritten rule
that women observe religiously. Where they learned this is one of
the great mysteries. Men didn’t get to go to this class.
Men keep the receipt for the shirt they bought for about thirty
minutes or until they get into the car, whichever comes first.
Then when the shirt doesn’t fit we have to go back and explain to
some female salesperson why we don’t have the receipt. Women on
the other hand are much more adapt at returning things to the
store because they can walk in with their head held high knowing
they have that precious little piece of paper in their handbag
somewhere. Men have to slink in with their tails between their
legs and admit they didn’t keep it because they didn’t think we
were going to need it. Men tend to rely upon their needs on a
moment-to-moment basis, while women seem to be more prepared for
events in the future. Makes you marvel at how God made us doesn’t
it? If men had to be the sex to procreate, we’d have probably
delivered our babies and stood around wondering, …”What the heck
is this all about?” Women know what to do. Women know how to
prepare for the future. Just look at those purses. More on wallets
next week.
