As
you know, I try to be a good guy to just about everyone as often
as I can. With that in mind I find it is my responsibility, no
my solemn duty to keep you…the readers of this fine publication
informed at all times of the various trials, tribulations and
snares that can have an adverse impact upon your lives. As you
know we are all living in a difficult economy. The Dow is down,
interest rates are down, unemployment is high, and taxes are
higher. It could only be worse if cotton was high and the fish
are jumping due to the rain in Spain staying mainly in the
plain…. or something like that. These are economic indicators
given to us by various governmental officials from time to time.
These people have gone to undergraduate school, graduate
schools…master programs and finally gotten their doctorate in
such things as “macro-economics for the malnourished” only to be
able to tell us such brainteasers, as “We need to create more
jobs.” Now as I see it, these highly educated governmental
employees stand around all day, in corduroy jackets, smoking
pipes with Cherry Blend tobacco gazing off into the distant
horizon while attempting to describe and define why the economy
is going absolutely nowhere.
In the meantime other segments of
our government are occupying themselves by arresting and
detaining certain individuals such as one fellow named Robert
Cusack who had the misfortune to be caught smuggling exotic
animals into the country for resale. Now, in my opinion Mr.
Cusack is a true American hero, having just created a new
business venture out of thin air. His crime and ultimate arrest,
seems to be focused around his being detained upon his arrival
at theLos Angeles airport back in June of this year. According
to governmental reports, which I find very suspect, Mr. Cusack
arrived in the airport from Thailand, carrying several large
pieces of luggage. The report goes on to say that upon
inspection of his luggage, a large bird flew out. The inspectors
immediately became suspicious; as well they should since this
could very well be some sort of new and unknown terror weapon.
Then they surrounded Mr. Cusack
while at the same time they were trying to capture the
escapee…bird, not Mr. Cusack. Further investigation revealed
that his luggage contained several other protected birds as well
as a number of exotic flowers which were stuffed into his dirty
underwear compartment. One of the inspectors described the
normally fragrant flowers as “having a different odor than he
had previously remembered”. Obviously Mr. Cusack would have been
better off if he had just told them he was a magician and these
were a necessary part of his act. Unfortunately, he failed to do
this and then came the next discovery, which put an end to his
budding capitalistic smuggling enterprise.
He was asked if he had anything
else to declare and he told the inspectors…”Yes, I’ve got two
monkeys in my pants.” Is this not true American capitalism at
work or what? The poor man was patted down for weapons (it was,
after all, an airport) and monkeys were indeed found in a bag in
his pants. At this point the man was arrested and charged with
various crimes against the state, one of which is the notorious,
but little known…violation of the “Carrying a concealed monkey”
act of 1934. One of the U.S. attorneys made the statement that
animal smuggling is second only to narcotics smuggling and
presents a large problem to law enforcement officers who have to
be ever vigilant for changing trends as they emerge.
One law enforcement officer was
heard to comment…”Sure, sure, it’s only a monkey or two
today…but wait until a few years go by and see if it doesn’t
escalate to something larger like smuggling a giraffe or
elephant in past the customs officers.” Mr. Cusack was fined and
served almost two months in jail for his crimes. I am told there
is a screenplay being written about the event, which should make
for an interesting movie. I can just envision the opening line,
which might be spoken to Mr. Cusack (played by Hugh Grant) by
his girlfriend as he steps off the plane headed to customs…..
There he is carrying his bags
headed to the customs officers when she ( played by Julia
Roberts) yells out…”Oh, Robert…..are you happy to see me or is
that a monkey in your pants?” You knew I’d have to say it didn’t
you?
