|
By
now most everyone has heard that the famous advice columnist, Ann
Landers has died. As best as I can tell no one was appointed to take
her place writing her daily column. In looking back over the years,
it appears to me that she wrote more answers to problems sent in by
women than she did for men. Taking this into consideration, I
thought it might make good sense to offer up my services as an
advice consultant exclusively for males. Males have different needs
and outlooks on society, manners and other traditions involving
feelings. There is a definite need for someone to listen to that
voice crying out in the wilderness. This could be me. Having made
this decision I offer these for your consideration.
Dear Mr. Answer
Guy,
I am a 28 year old
who has never been married. I am engaged to a wonderful girl but I
am afraid we come from different worlds. I am a graduate of a really
good technical school and have a booming business repairing garbage
trucks. I love to hunt, fish and attend monster truck shows. I’d
like to have a nice quiet wedding in a chapel close to where I fish
and then go dancing at this joint down the road or take the wedding
party to the wrestling matches. She and her parents want a big
wedding in some church in New York City with all of her sorority
sisters as bridesmaids. I’m confused……what do you think I should do?
Signed….Down in the
Mouth
Dear Down,
Mr. Answer Guy has
only one question for you and that is…just what do you look like?
It’s obvious the two of you live in different worlds…..how you ever
managed to even get hooked up with someone like this is beyond my
comprehension, but nevertheless, you have to do what a man’s got to
do. This is no time to pussy foot around. You have to start off in
this marriage by asserting who’s going to wear the pants. You have
to stand up for your rights as the head of the household otherwise
you’ll find yourself having to attend the ballet (men in tights
dancing on their toes) or listening to opera (a type of stage show
where everyone sings very loud in some foreign language). This is
the type of girl who will want you to go to stores and pick out
fabrics. No sir, stick to your guns…tell her your idea of good taste
is a Lazy Boy in velvet. Have that wedding in the chapel. Let me
know how it went…
Mr. Answer Guy
Dear Mr. Answer
Guy,
I just got dumped
by a beautiful girl because I told her I thought professional
wrestling was fake. She likes beer; I am a connoisseur of fine wines
and am very selective in where we dine. She likes anything as long
as it’s fried. What do you think I should do?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
Read the first
letter above and send me your girl friends address, I’ll get the
other guy to do the same and I think I can make four people very
happy….Mr. Answer Guy is glad to be of service.
Well, readers see
how easy this is? Looks to me as if I could churn these things out
day after day and get paid some real big bucks for just using good
old common sense. I mean some of this stuff is as plain as the nose
on your face. Personally I don’t think my answers are any worse than
those we’ve read over the past years, do you? Of course in order to
be a really big hit, I’d have to get letters from people with real
problems. Come to think of it…the kind of inquiries I used are just
about as good as those Ann used over her career. I’ve always
wondered if folks actually sent those things to her or did she make
them up and then come up with some snappy answer? Now all I need to
do is find out who that person is yelling in the wilderness. |
