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 When
I get to heaven, according to the bible…I get a brand new body.
Boy, is this good news or what? I mean by the time I get ready to
go, I’ll be so tired of this one it isn’t funny. I truthfully
believe that one of our heavenly rewards will be the ability to
eat what we want, when we want and never gain any weight. I
believe the eating of the apple by Adam and Eve was the act that
must have started this entire weight gain deal. This must have
been God’s personal apple tree and He must have gotten really
hacked off when these two stupidos, which He had created, get
caught eating from his private stock. I mean, how else can you
explain the primary concept concerning eating tasty foods, which
is simply this: If it tastes good, it must be bad for you. I dare
you to provide me with any evidence to the contrary to dispute the
fact that eating one-pound of chocolate will always put five
pounds of weight on your body.
You can starve, I mean starve
yourselves silly. Drink water till it’s flowing from your ears,
eat nothing for fourteen days straight…..get on the scales and
find that you’ve given up maybe four or five ounces. Then you
start to run, or lift weights or ride some stationary bicycle to
nowhere for a month to lose those precious five pounds and then
what happens? Well, you sit down to the table like a normal human
being and eat a sensible meal made of your usual cardboard but
with one exception. Tonight you will allow yourself to have some
dessert. Yes, you’ve sweated, you starved, you’ve groaned, you’ve
left the room when a food advertisement comes on the TV; you
refuse to look at billboards for Mexican restaurants. You’ve eaten
so much tofu; you have sprouts growing in your ears. You sit down
and place one small, tiny, insignificant piece of pie in front of
you. The total weight of which is less than one half of one pound,
including the plate. You savor it in a form of gleeful expectation
and then finally devour it as if it were to be part of your final
meal on planet Earth. You leave the table in quiet satisfaction
knowing that you have just rewarded yourself for weeks, no, I take
that back…. Months…of hard strenuous work and then you walk up the
stairs to the scales where you find what ?…yes, the curse of Adam
has caused your weight to increase not by the one half pound you
had in front of you (even if you had eaten the plate) but six
pounds or more which now puts you in worse shape than you were to
begin with.
Dedicated scientists have been
studying this strange phenomenon for the past nine hundred years
or so. It wasn’t noticed so much during the dark ages since the
food was so bad, no one cared to eat much of anything anyway. Who
wanted seconds on peas, porridge hot? Or gruel? No, it wasn’t
until the age of enlightenment that humans began wanting more of
the good stuff. Look at those old pictures of Henry VIII. Here was
a food-eating machine. Do you think he exercised on a daily basis,
not hardly. Anyone dumb enough to say anything about his expanding
waistline most likely got his or her heads chopped off. This may
explain the truth behind the untimely deaths of several of his
wives and closest friends. A tragedy in the making may have
started off as innocently as …”Say, Hank…old chap…aren’t we
putting on a few pounds here and there? Har, har…..looks as if you
might be getting to big for your armor……ha, ha….what’s this?
Arrest? For what? It was a joke…honest..”
And then the poor soul was swiftly
taken away and relieved of a vital portion of his or her anatomy.
What about those people who seem to manage to eat everything in
sight and never gain any weight? Glad you asked….I truthfully
believe they’ve already sold their mortal souls to the devil and
will be forced to eat cardboard, Slim Fast and Lean Cuisine for
all of eternity in Hell.
Seems fair to me…what do you think?
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