As
I promised last week, this is the second in a series of what I
shall refer to as the ‘death questions’ that come up from time to
time between men and women. I am presenting this series as a sort
of public service to younger men who, due to their lack of
experience may fall into a trap from which there is absolutely no
escape. The questions that I am discussing in this series emanate
from the same sources as that old courtroom legend we are all
familiar with….that is the …”Have you stopped beating your wife”
inquiry.
As we all know
there is not any correct answer to this one either. Now, the
question which we are going to discuss this week is the “ If I
died, would you remarry?” issue. Before you make your decision as
to what your answer might be if asked about this, let me give you
some points to be considered. You can always take the coward’s way
out and skirt this answer by declaring your undying belief that no
matter what she thinks ….you will die first. This may be an option
since men usually do expire earlier. I love that word … ’expire’…
see that all the time in the obituaries…makes me think that if
only they had gotten down there earlier and renewed, they would
still be alive. I get this mental image of someone rushing down to
some government office banging on the door at the end of the day
and yelling…”No, no, you can’t close…I’m about to expire.”
Anyway, you want
to make it clear that no matter what you would never consider
remarrying anyone for any reason, even for national security or to
save the kingdom. Tell her something like…..”Nope, if you were to
die before me, I have already picked out a monastery that has
already accepted me. I will live out the rest of my natural days
in celibacy among other widowers in the same predicament.”
Or if you are
more adventuresome you can always say that you have your
application on hand for the French Foreign Legion and they have
promised to send you to a very remote part of the Sahara desert
which has no women and is visited and resupplied by camel and pack
mules once a year. If this doesn’t get her on your side the final
answer is to throw yourself at her feet and suggest that there
might be some openings guarding a Sultans harem and that you might
consider going, but there is only one small problem for which they
will have to operate before allowing you to work. She cannot
respond to these very viable options. This of course is in your
favor.
Should you ever
get this death question please let me point out to you that under
no circumstances should you ever express an interest in any other
person of the female species while you are married or close to
being married. Someone said to me last week that they had bumped
into someone at the grocery store and explained away their
relationship as “just good friends”. Please hear me out. Men do
not have female friends in the eyes of their wives. I would
suggest to you that you only discuss the following women in your
life…your mother (that’s fairly safe) and your third grade
teacher, Mrs. Spencer. Always refer to Mrs. Spencer as the “oldest
living English teacher in America”. You must never ever make the
mistake of saying something with the word ‘girlfriend’ in it since
no matter what…. this woman will be branded for the rest of your
life and looked on with a large degree of distrust.
Even some distant
relatives are not exempt from this scrutiny, especially if you
live in Arkansas. Trust me on this …..Any ‘friend’ you may have
had or admit to have had at any point in your life that was of the
female sex is looked upon by your wife as, well you know what.
This is a point that is carved in stone the same as E=MC2. You can
rate this right up there with Newton theory on apples falling from
the sky or whatever.
Save these
columns to be passed on to your sons and grandsons. Plan your
strategy, be prepared, think ahead. You will notice that only the
BOY SCOUTS have the motto …”Be Prepared”. The Girls Scouts have
some saying like….”Charge. It’s good for the economy” or something
similar. Next weeks question will concern what the appropriate
adjective is when describing how your wife or friend looks before
going out to dinner.
