Recently
I started writing a series of articles about the differences
between men and women. Someone, somewhere must have gotten a copy
of these and forwarded them to a company that arranges for people
to be guests on talk shows and interview programs throughout the
country. These folks contacted me and they want to list me as a
candidate to be interviewed if the occasion should present itself.
I told them that I had never done one of these before and what
should I do to be prepared. They advised that I should make some
notes as if I were doing something like a comedy program and be
able to talk for 10-15 minutes along the same lines as the stuff I
write. So, I thought I’d try it out and see how it fit in this
week’s column. So here goes….
What I find strange about this country is the
proliferation of signs telling us what not to do. Yesterday for
example, I was filling up my car with gasoline and noticed about
4-5 different warning signs posted. “Do not put this into an
unauthorized container” Next to that was a sticker saying…”Do
not drink gasoline”.
My question is don’t they consider a body an
unauthorized container? Why have 2 signs? In this country when you
get on a subway or a train, there are a host of signs that tell
you things like…”If you open the door when the train is moving,
you may get killed”. In England, there aren’t any signs like that;
they figure you should have sense enough to know that exiting a
train going 75 miles per hour would cause you to have bodily harm.
If you are dumb enough to exit a train like this in jolly old
England, the natives just look at each other and say something
like…”Bloody stupid American.”
At the other end of the spectrum in this
country we have a place that actually needs a sign. The post
office. If you will notice they now are building Starbucks coffee
places next to the post offices around the country. However, there
isn’t a sign in the post office that warns you that you may have
to stand in line for up to 2 hours and they have no public
restrooms. So, beware that if you go into the post office after
you drink coffee you are on your own. You cannot go once you get
into the building. If you think you can’t stand it and you were to
commit the unthinkable sin of getting out of line, you cannot come
back to your former place once you have left. Don’t even think
about trying to use the rest room for the postal employees as that
violates some federal postal act of 1924 that states in
part…”citizens trying to use the private restroom facilities at
any government postal office can receive up to 20 years in prison,
with no trial.”
That means you’d be in the poky with some
serial ax murderer for trying to relieve yourself on postal
property. Another thing I’ve noticed is the fact that all of the
piped in music in the post offices has some reference to water.
Like “A Rainy night in Georgia” or “Raindrops keep falling on my
head” or “Old man River”. I think they do this just to torment us
while we’re standing there waiting for eternity to pass. You know
you are going to have a wait once you’re there since we all manage
to get behind the little old lady that wants to see all of the
bird stamps that have been issued since 1945. The guy behind her
wants 15 money orders to send to his relatives in Pakistan, or
Wales. Once I went in and forgot to take one of those numbers, the
guy in front of me was #94 and the guy behind me was #95. When I
got to the counter the clerk wouldn’t wait on me since I didn’t
have a number, made me go back to the end of the line again. I
felt like I was back in kindergarten and someone had tattled.
Another thing that I would like to know
about. Why is that when you get to the counter, the postal clerk
has to pick that very moment to leave and go behind the screen for
some reason or another? You could ask the person what time it was
and he would walk off and be gone for 2-3 minutes behind the
screen. You can buy stamps and have the correct change and he’d
still leave and walk behind the screen. He will not give you the
stamps until he has come back from whatever he was doing behind
the screen. What do they do behind that screen and what is back
there? I suspect it’s a big lounge area and they are all back
there smoking, eating cake, donuts and drinking coffee or
whatever. Or maybe they train themselves to be able to take
5-minute naps …who knows? I even have thought they might have a
little viewing area back there so they can watch us squirm while
they are gone.
You would think by now someone would have
come out with a “tell all” book on the way the post office works,
but I have never seen one have you? I bet we won’t either. They do
not want us to know what is behind that screen. Do not ever ask
one of them about the screen, as they will look at you like you
are asking about some national security secret or something. Oh,
yes and one other thing about signs…does it make any sense to have
a sign on the door of the post office saying….”No animals allowed,
except seeing eye dogs”. Since when did they train those dogs to
read?
