Memo:
Bill Gates
Re: Valentines Day
Dear Bill,
I’m curious, with all of your money, do you still have to stop and
buy something like a card or roses for your wife at Valentines? Does
the world’s richest man still have to do the same things as us
lesser mortals?
PP
Dear PP:
What do you think? If I showed up at the palace, excuse me, the
house without a card…Well you know what would happen.
Now, you know that this isn’t a real note from Bill, but I’m using
it to make a point. This week’s column is another of those public
service announcement messages that I give out from time to time.
This one is once again devoted to the male species of our planet. It
is especially directed to the male species members that are
cohabiting with female species members. To be even more specific it
is directed to the newly wedded male species
members. I hope to save you a lot of grief and heartache in the
years to come. Trust me, I know what grief is. I am a grief magnet.
I live and breathe grief. I am trying to learn not to do so, but it
seems I just can’t get it right and am doomed to keep repeating my
mistakes over and over. Maybe, my karma or Karman Gia is out of
whack. Who knows?
Anyway,
as you journey on the road of heterosexuality, you will find many
incongruities exist for which you have no answer nor will you ever
find the answer. These are called mysteries. One of the greatest
mysteries that have ever existed goes like this.. You ask a woman if
she wants to do anything special for some holiday, like Valentines
and she says. "No." You ask her what she wants for
Valentines and she says.. "Nothing." Taking her at her
word. that’s what you do.. nothing. What happens next? I’ll tell
you.
The
world comes crashing down on you in a heartbeat and you end up with
grief with a capital G. For example, this past week, I’m really busy
with a new project and I ask my wife if she wants to do something
special for Valentines. "No, you’re too busy" she tells
me. Thinking that she really means this, I find an old unused
Valentines Day card in my desk and pen out some words from my heart.
I also write her one from our dog and cat. I will admit their cards
looked better than mine, but what the heck, she said she didn’t want
anything special. Several days go by and I’ve forgotten about the
whole thing. I do notice that she’s been a little standoffish, in
fact rather distant.
Thinking
I may have done something wrong for which I am unaware I asked
her…"Honey, have I done something to make you mad?" She
replies…"No". Thinking I’m ok, I forget about it. The
next night I ask the same thing and this time she tells me.. A. I
gave her a really dumb Valentines Day card. B. I didn’t even write
..’I love you’ on it and C. the cards from the dog and cat meant
more to her than the one I sent. Now let me tell you what you have
to do for redemption at this point. There isn’t any sense in arguing
about this; you are just plain wrong. In fact, you are worse than
wrong. you’re just plain stupid. This is how grief begins.
To
make amends I must go to extraordinary lengths. I get to the card
store first thing the next morning. Of course, there aren’t anymore
Valentines Day cards on display anymore. This is now the St.
Patrick’s day season. I can’t send a card with some leprechaun on it
and try to convince my wife it’s to make up for a boo-boo. That
won’t fly. No, I have to go get the store manger and plead my case.
My only defense is stupidity. He takes pity on me and shows me to
the back room where all of the Valentines Day cards are boxed up
waiting to be shipped off somewhere. This isn’t fun, but I manage to
sort through a couple of boxes and finally find the one that will
get the job done. This time I write some sincere words and make
certain I say…"I love you" more than once. Then I stick
the card in the pillows on the bed. When she finds it, I try and
pretend it had been there all along and she had just overlooked it.
This doesn’t work, but she compliments me on making a valiant try.
She reads the card and I can see in her eyes that my transgression
has been forgiven. Onward and upward, until next time. Personally I
think we should have been taught this stuff in school. It seems to
be much more important than algebra. As usual …Send comments to www.pearyperry.com
